Craving somebody to emulate. How to get a mentor?

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I am looking for specific advice on how to get a mentor with certain characteristics listed below. I already know some people who meet these criteria. I just want to find a way to ask them if they could do this for me; I really don't know how to go about asking them.

Details below:

I find myself spending inordinate amounts of time obsessing over certain types of people; mostly girls who are either my age or a bit older and who really "have it together" - i.e. they can hold often multiple jobs and go to school at the same time, they take very good care of themselves while doing so (and have an amazing sense of style), and also are not prone to emotional instability. However, I don't have any friends like that, despite admiring/obsessing over these people.

What I really, really want is to get somebody like that as a mentor. I've realized I will never probably actually become friends with a person like this, because it would probably be an NT and we would have very different emotional needs. However, I want to spend as much time as possible interacting with a person who meets the above characteristics - several (student or professional) speech pathologists and ABA therapists I have met so far seemed to meet this description and have led to my obsession with them. I would be willing to pay for time spent with them, but want to have a more informal relationship with them, such as being able to go to their home and see how they arrange their life and their space so that I can learn from them and emulate them as much as possible. Of course, they have to be accepting and respectful of my differences, while being willing to be in the helping role.

The main reason for this craving is, when I have someone to look up to, to learn from, and to structure my life after, I tend to push myself more and become more "successful" - note here, the above characteristics are MY OWN personal definition of success for myself ONLY; please don't question it or try to convince me to go another route because it's not going to happen. I have done these things in the past to various degrees of success, but noticeably better with role models.

I used to have some mentors like that, but circumstances happened and they can't be my mentors anymore. It's nothing to do with my actions, though.

Trust me....you'll know when a mentor reveals him/her self.

She would probably encourage you to get some rest, especially if there's class tomorrow LOL.

I don't think you have to ask them to be your mentor, you just have to befriend them. Introduce yourself and get to know them. When they feel comfortable with you they will share some information.

I've learned, in life, that one cannot willfully seek out something like a mentor, or even a lover. Forcing the issue invariably leads to failure.

The most you could do, in my opinion, is find a commonality with someone like a professor--express interest in the topic which she teaches. Alas, this is rarer and rarer, as there's much pressure on professors' time these days.

Probably the best way to acquire a mentor in this manner is to listen to the advice of your clinical supervisor during your practicum. They WANT you to want to be mentored; that's part of the dynamic.

Above all, don't overdo it. Don't be a yes-person. Don't be a "personal assistant." You might find a mentor, but your pride will be destroyed.

John Keats, while not successful in living past age 25, was successful when he followed his poetic philosophy which states, in essence, "Let the poem come to you."

It depends on the amount of mentors who are on the Spectrum. These days, one should not totally exclude a whole group ("highest functioning NT's") from one's scope.

If one is truly "highest functioning," one would possess knowledge of the "peculiarities" of one on the Spectrum, be relatively free of bias against people on the Spectrum in general,
and see the ability of the student in the pertinent area, and mentor accordingly. Temple Grandin did not refuse to be mentored by NT's.

One thing you seem to possess is an "instinct" when relating to autistic people. That skill will be useful when performing ABA, I believe.

Perhaps, with that "instinct," you could invent the "MathGirl corollary" to ABA, one which is more Spectrum-friendly and less intent on expunging the "essence" of the autistic person.

Logically (though I'm not sure), there should be some potential mentors within an ABA program who have an affinity for those on the Spectrum, if not on the Spectrum themselves.

The autistic person, however, I believe, should still be encouraged to at least meet NT world half way.

You have gotten a lot of great advice so far, I just wanted to add a few thoughts:

You are absolutely right about it being easier to handle more situations well when one has a mentor. (This is true for NTs too, I think.) I failed at a lot of jobs before I met my current supervisor, who has really helped me by modeling the sorts of professional behavior I need to be successful. It helps that he has a personality like mine, and is an introvert so he knows what my needs are with respect to time alone, etc. You should keep in mind two things:

1) You may not find that one mentor can work with you on every desired trait / habit. I have one person I emulate at work; another for social skills; another that has given me style tips; another for time management; etc. These have come at different times in my life, and my interactions with them range from formal / paid counseling to casual acquaintance.

2) How you arrive at success in a particular area may be slightly different from your mentor. Take personal style, for example: I have a friend who always looks exquisite, almost ethereal. Her wardrobe is full of very unique and elaborate clothes. I would love to look more like her, but if I get more than five things in my closet, I get confused about what to wear with what. So I asked her how she chooses outfits. She said the secret is to choose clothes that have some unifying features: for her, it's soft colors, flowing lines and luxurious textures like lace and silky / velvety fabrics. Because everything she wears has a few simple requirements, she could pull any combination of clothes out of her closet and look amazing. My clothing requirements are quite different from hers, because I find most lace to be scratchy , but I decided to choose things that were soft and fluid (like hers), but neutral in color, so that everything was easy to match and I could add colorful accessories easily. Since I adopted this practice, I have received many compliments about looking "elegant" (before, it was usually "homeless person" or "refugee"). I kept the "spirit" of my friend's advice but modified the details.

I have found mentors both as a result of fortunate circumstance and forthright asking. People are often flattered when you say, "I really admire the way you do that! Can you show me how?" Just be careful not to demand too much of their time immediately, unless you are paying a counselor. Regarding things like home organization, time management etc., there are often professional people who will come to your home and help you to develop a system that works for you, without putting undue demands on a friend--I recommend asking around / looking for "personal organizers". Some of the boutiques here offer those services for closets; places like home improvement stores offer workshops for organizing your house; etc. And when you visit someone's house, it never hurts to ask, "How do you keep everything so neat?" It's a compliment that gains you some personal advice...unless they reply, "I hired a housekeeper"

You have gotten a lot of great advice so far, I just wanted to add a few thoughts:

You are absolutely right about it being easier to handle more situations well when one has a mentor. (This is true for NTs too, I think.) I failed at a lot of jobs before I met my current supervisor, who has really helped me by modeling the sorts of professional behavior I need to be successful. It helps that he has a personality like mine, and is an introvert so he knows what my needs are with respect to time alone, etc. You should keep in mind two things:

1) You may not find that one mentor can work with you on every desired trait / habit. I have one person I emulate at work; another for social skills; another that has given me style tips; another for time management; etc. These have come at different times in my life, and my interactions with them range from formal / paid counseling to casual acquaintance.

2) How you arrive at success in a particular area may be slightly different from your mentor. Take personal style, for example: I have a friend who always looks exquisite, almost ethereal. Her wardrobe is full of very unique and elaborate clothes. I would love to look more like her, but if I get more than five things in my closet, I get confused about what to wear with what. So I asked her how she chooses outfits. She said the secret is to choose clothes that have some unifying features: for her, it's soft colors, flowing lines and luxurious textures like lace and silky / velvety fabrics. Because everything she wears has a few simple requirements, she could pull any combination of clothes out of her closet and look amazing. My clothing requirements are quite different from hers, because I find most lace to be scratchy , but I decided to choose things that were soft and fluid (like hers), but neutral in color, so that everything was easy to match and I could add colorful accessories easily. Since I adopted this practice, I have received many compliments about looking "elegant" (before, it was usually "homeless person" or "refugee"). I kept the "spirit" of my friend's advice but modified the details.

I have found mentors both as a result of fortunate circumstance and forthright asking. People are often flattered when you say, "I really admire the way you do that! Can you show me how?" Just be careful not to demand too much of their time immediately, unless you are paying a counselor. Regarding things like home organization, time management etc., there are often professional people who will come to your home and help you to develop a system that works for you, without putting undue demands on a friend--I recommend asking around / looking for "personal organizers". Some of the boutiques here offer those services for closets; places like home improvement stores offer workshops for organizing your house; etc. And when you visit someone's house, it never hurts to ask, "How do you keep everything so neat?" It's a compliment that gains you some personal advice...unless they reply, "I hired a housekeeper"

You want to be careful, there is a certain personality type that loves to be a mentor, not for your benefit, but for their own. They have a psychological need to boss people around. They may give helpful advice occasionally, but mostly they want to see in you a reflection of themselves.

This thread is realy relevant to my interests because I'm going exactly the reverse rout. I emulated for years thoughout my school years and at the university and it left me with completely damaged psyche and burnout. Now I'm trying to unlearn the whole simulation and "trying-to-act-normal-ness" and becoming myself again (it's stuck in my brain). like act autistic again. And i'm feeling much better.

I don't know. maybe you have more resources and it will work out for you. good luck. maybe I'm just a wimp

@Kraftiekortie: For sure, creating more respectful version of ABA is something I spend a lot of time thinking about while perusing ABA literature. I also agree with meeting the NT world halfway, and it's part of the reason why having an NT mentor might help me. After all, if I still lack knowledge about the NT world and don't have anyone to guide me through it (which I really don't), I would not have a sufficient knowledge base to know how to work with NTs properly and what would be the best route for me.

@Naturalist: Thanks, your post was very helpful. I would only spend as much time with them as they are okay with. I don't have a lot of time on my hands anyway (except for when I procrastinate due to fatigue/stress, with disastrous consequences). Your two points is why I like the idea of mentors in the first place - they don't force anything on you, they are only supposed to make suggestions and allow you to learn from them as is suitable for you. As for your first point, the people I was thinking of whom I have met in person and can contact actually have multiple things within them that I really like and want to emulate to some extent.

@timf: Mentors are not supposed to boss you around, though. I think I would notice right away if that were happening and dump the "mentor" right away.

I can give more specific background on the people I know. One person is a speech pathologist and I've met her through an ASL meetup group. She works with kids with autism. Another person I know is an ABA therapist and I have met her through an autism conference. She started acting kind of weird around me after a while of talking to me at the conference (I didn't disclose my diagnosis to her). Then, I approached her and asked if I did something wrong, and she said "no" but in a very constrained way, like she wasn't telling the truth. She then gave me her contact information and said that I am free to talk to her further through email. I've been thinking of asking her to do just this (and disclose, too, of course). I'm just not sure exactly how to go about it - whether I should just describe what I want out of a mentor and then ask her if she could mentor me this way.

Hi there,

If you met the ABA therapist at an autism conference, then of course you should disclose. It seems as if she suspects, anyway.

I also think it's a good idea to describe to her what you want out of a mentor--without mentioning the word "mentor." There are people who will feel overwhelmed by explicitly being referred to as a mentor, or even explicitly BEING a mentor.

It's possible that the speech-language pathologist has an enlightened view of autism; it is also equally possible that she might not. People who work with people with autism might have a condescending attitude towards those on the Spectrum. I wouldn't disclose until you get to know her better.

Have you spoke to her about the philosophy of ABA and how you could make it more palatable to people on the Spectrum?