Is the other woman a threat?

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So, I have a major crush on this guy. We've been good friends for quite a while, he admits he likes me, we both say "I love you" to each other, we kiss on the cheek, and meet up with each other every week, on average. I'm in my late 20s, never had a boyfriend, and will only date a guy I find as marriage material. I want to commit to him because he's done so much for me, made me feel included in his main circle of friends, and I've never been closer to anyone else who wasn't blood-related.

The problem is, he's been "seeing" this other woman since a year and a half before I first met him. (I didn't fall for him until I knew him for a year. I fell for him because he fell for me.) He's never called her his "girlfriend," he's said "mistress" once, but I also heard him call her his "lover" once. (And to me, "lover" is a gender-neutral, legal bond-neutral term for "spouse.")

The first time I met her, she rubbed me the wrong way. Her voice bothers me, and I've rarely seen her. I automatically assume that anyone romantically involved at any level will get married. Dating is just the first step in the marriage process. I can't picture them as bride and groom without cringing or wanting to dry heave. Just last night, my crush posted a pic on social media of him and a bunch of other people... and the only woman in that pic was probably her. (It might have been at the restaurant where she works, it was the same time and day of the week as the last time I saw her, which was when she was going off shift.) From what I know about them, they used to work in the same store together, and talk on-and-off. He's said they've had some strained relations sometimes. I consider her my enemy because of the lifetime commitment at stake.

Although, the last time I saw her, she introduced him to another friend of hers as a "friend." She doesn't seem committed. So much for "being true to him in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, and promising to love and honor him all the days of her life." (I remember being at a party with him where the only people my crush invited were me and her. Guess who showed up and guess who didn't! ) A counselor I used to see said maybe she's a friend with benefits, but I don't get the concept of casual sex. Everyone else I've talked to about them don't think they'll marry, and one said they seem "flaky." I've partied with him plenty of times for big occasions, such as his birthday and New Year's, where she never showed. But what if he does pop the question? (He's been engaged to someone else at least once before, but was dumped.)

He says "she's good in bed," but is being good in bed the grounds for a marriage? Is she a true threat to my dream future, or just a FWB who will eventually move on to someone else?

He may not be interested in getting married. I've learned that a lot of people aren't. Some people don't like the idea of commitment. Or some people are happy to "commit" for a while, but not to the extend of saying vows or signing a contract. Some people just want to have fun.

You use some quite emotive language here. Is she your enemy? She probably doesn't see you that way.

Do you and him want the same things in life. Are you both looking for a marriage mate?

Have you seen the film 500 days of Summer where they man is more invested in the relationship than the woman. She says she doesn't want to get married and well, I don't want to give away the ending, but it's a warning about falling for another person, but not really seeing who they are.

Be careful. Not everyone will view relationships as seriously as you do.

I forgot to add that the counselor I mentioned thinks that my views on romance are based on how I was raised. My parents divorced when I was 4 because my dad wanted to date other women. My mother and grandmother drilled into my head as a kid that marriage was about commitment, save your virginity for marriage, and that adultery is a horrible thing. They emphasized "til death do us part" very seriously. So, my views on dating and marriage are about commitment.

I'm afraid that I'm committing adultery against her by even fantasizing about marrying this guy. (I'm more interested in the companionship, teamwork, and family ties/ in-laws, sex is a much lower priority.) I can't stand her and think she'd make a horrible wife for him, but with my luck and after seeing that picture he posted yesterday, their marriage is inevitable. (I'll eat crow and pop a bottle of bubbly if I'm wrong. I'll also respect her if she can prove that she's marrying another dude.) I have nightmares about her in a wedding dress, giving me the finger. That's why I call her my enemy, because my romantic future lies in her hands.

I've never seen them kiss, though, only hug.

She is not your biggest threat... Not by a long shot. Your guy friend's ability to give in to temptation (or not) would be your biggest threat if you went for him.

I'll be honest with you here I think a lot of the way you are thinking could be a cause for some huge disappointment. I'll go through them.

Pals, saying 'I love you' isn't the same as two people in a sexual relationship saying the same thing. You could be misconstruing what he means when he says that, even though what you mean is clearly that you love him in that sexual relationship kind of way.

Him, referring to a woman he's having sex with in very vague and confusing terms isn't a good sign in my book, with regards to your intentions and the way you think. It tells me that he has a somewhat uncommitted nature at the moment, that may change in the future. But he clearly enjoys a sexual relationship with this woman but is uncomfortable defining what it is. I won't speculate on his intentions for doing that, but it does indicate to me that commitment isn't on his mind right now. If he was intending to marry this woman, he would be calling her his fiance or at the very least girlfriend. If he was intending to marry you, he would most likely be expecting and seeking a sexual relationship with you first, and secondly not be seeing other women at the same time. He is not doing that either.

The other woman isn't a threat. The possible mismatch between your thought processes on the subject of relationships and his seems to be the bigger issue here. He is clearly the kind of person who does understand the concept of casual sex, enjoys it and wants to continue doing that for the time being. Marriage with you, someone he hasn't even sexually bonded with, is probably not even on his radar right now. Most people tend to get into sexual relationships with people they intend to marry and that sexual relationship is usually exclusive (there is no other woman) and long-term before the thought of marriage arises. There is nothing about this current relationship he says that says marriage to me, and nothing about your relationship with him that says that either.

I don't know of anyone who shares your particular view of sex and marriage to be honest. I won't say it isn't out there, but it's unlikely to be very common. Judging by your beau's behaviour, it's unlikely to be the way he thinks about the subject at all.

I'm saving my virginity until marriage. My mother will destroy me if I don't. I want to marry him, though, because I like his companionship and he has treated me as a better friend than anyone else has. Isn't that what relationships are about? It's a committed, sacred bond between two people.

Sex is to a relationship like benefits and employee perks are to a career. You get a career for the paycheck and work experience, not just the side perks, just like you marry someone to be their legally-bound partner and to join their family.

What's a few years of dating and engagement when you have decades of marriage ahead of you?

Well, you seem very genuine. I said be careful because I'm concerned about you getting hurt if you put this guy on too high a pedestal.

There are men out there that have the same view of sex and marriage that you do. Mostly religious people, so you may be more likely to meet such a person at church or at temple etc. The concern here is that this chap may not be compatible with your way of living, especially since he is ok with his current friends with benefits thing he has with this other woman.

You seem like you are good friends. Have you ever talked about what you are both looking for out of life, whether you want to get married or have children. Now would probably be a good time to make subtle general enquiries. It's better to learn sooner rather than later whether you are both going in the same direction or not.

I see dating as "holding your spot" with a romantic partner so if you're together long enough, you can get engaged and plan your wedding for a time when both of you can manage it.

Breakups happen when either party realizes that a marriage between them won't work.

This may be a theory of mind thing. Yes, you have some strong definate views about dating and that's fine, it's good to know who you are and what you want, but you need to realise that not everyone sees the world the same way that you do.

This man you have set your heart on may not see it the same way that you do. His "girlfriend" may not see it the same way either.

You're not cheating on anyone by having feelings for him. You are doing nothing wrong, but the caution is that he may not feel the same way you do.

Yes, any competition is always a potential threat.

It all boils down to me being afraid of him marrying this one particular woman.

Now, it's one thing if I lose this guy to a cute lady who complements him very well, looks great with him, and has amazing chemistry with him. The problem is, this "enemy" doesn't look like a very good partner for him. I can't imagine the two of them dealing with legal issues or (heaven forbid) kids together. I also don't want to deal with her every time I'd go hang out with him (if they were to marry), I don't want him to wake up to her annoying voice every morning, and I also don't want him to go through a messy divorce if they were to call it quits. (I have a feeling that they would divorce eventually because they don't seem terribly committed.)

Of all the women he has known, why would SHE deserve the ultimate honor of being tied to him in what's supposed to be a lifetime commitment?



And my mother once talked to me about "love" versus "lust". "Love" being for whom someone is as a person, and "lust" being for just their body. You think he lusts for this other woman while I have nothing but love for him?

What do you mean by "getting hurt?"

I mean hurt emotionally if it turns out he doesn't want to marry you.

Maybe you're the one he's not so compatible with. He's clearly a man who a appreciates a physical relationship. you don't see sex the same way. Trust me, as someone who loves and values sex, being married to someone who sees it as an optional is soul-destroying. Sex isn't everything. But it sure seems like it when there is none in a marriage.

Set a you vs her threesome session with him.

My idea of a threesome is two dogs licking my face at the same time.


And I'll definitely bang a guy in wedlock. It's before marrying where I was told to wait.

Not even foreplay stuff?