Inability to find a new love

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Cue
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25 May 2015, 7:36 am

I need someone to talk to tonight who may understand me.

I have lived in China for several years. A Chinese woman fell in love with me; the first time someone ever loved me. We had moments of utter bliss in the honeymoon phase, then everything sizzled down and fizzled out. Both of us were hurt as neither had ever been in a previous relationship. She took breakup much better than I did. She wanted to remain friends but our history disallowed that. This was 2 1/2 years ago. I moved away to another city and dated another woman. My heart was never in it partly because I still loved the other woman. She broke up with me not knowing I still loved my first girlfriend. That was 1 year ago. Fast forward to this week.

My heart and mind has been on my first girlfriend all week. I had one nightmare this week where she was in a bar, sitting and smoking with men surrounding her. She never smoked once prior to my departure from my previous city. I tried talking to her but was stunted, ignored like I wasn't even there. I woke up despondent in the middle of the night, terrified and incredibly lonesome. Later that morning, I received an e-mail from a couple whom my girlfriend and I were friends with to attend a wedding, thus necessitating a return to that city. Then I have another nightmare later that week of 4 pictures: 2 of her in what appeared to be as spectator in a stadium or concert hall, 1 of her father upside down (he never met me solely because he couldn't accept her dating an American. He had a key role breaking us up) & another of her hands without a ring. She once bought love rings for us. I woke up in a state of fury, panic, fear, rage, classic meltdown. Then out of the blue last night she e-mails me and states that she is moving far away with her boyfriend/fiancée/husband (didn't say) to the other end of China. We wished me well, hoped I was happy & wanted to show me pictures of her greenhouse and nursery once she opens it. I just lost it and broke down in agony today. I have not cried in greater angst in years.

All of this in my midst to combat my loneliness. I joined a church group, an art group and a soccer group in addition to my work; never ever comes from that. I feel such utter pain and abandonment that I cannot move on from her. I usually function well but these memories, dreams and the upcoming wedding (the woman getting married has the same first name as her) is killing me. I love her deeply and greatly. I don't know if I can realistically sustain a relationship because of her. I am also 35, no spring chicken. I truly need someone to share my life with & I'm losing hope. I just need 1 person, just 1. I'm handsome, tall, intelligent, respected at work, respected amongst my peers but there is this utter hole inside of me that's crushing my soul. I've never cried and yelled at God asking me for a sign, anything like I did today. Just utter abandonment and silence on His part & I'm a Christian. I'll never be content and fulfilled unless I find someone.....anyone. I'm just heartbroken. Although I can speak Chinese well, I cannot really see a counselor about this. I would if I were in the States.

I feel regret for the failed relationship and I can't move past it. How can I possibly move on and love again? I've tried everything.



BTDT
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25 May 2015, 8:04 am

You need to go through the grieving process typical of one that has lost a loved one. You church should be able to help. If not, perhaps you may be able to find help online to help you. The advice in dealing with deaths is easiest to find.



Cue
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25 May 2015, 8:50 am

I've already done that. I haven't spoken to her since April 2013, have only received Merry Christmas e-mails plus yesterday's in the past year, no text messages, nothing. I feel this is truly abnormal behavior. The relationship died 2 1/2 years ago but I can't fully release the pain and love someone the way they deserve. I can be drawing, reading, working, with others and she plops into my mind everyday. Last week was nonstop.



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25 May 2015, 10:04 am

Sorry, but it sounds like you still need more time.

http://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief ... d-loss.htm
This page says it may take years.



Cue
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25 May 2015, 1:47 pm

Thanks for the link. I certainly exhibit signs of complicated grief although I can function properly. I can't just plop down into a psychologist's chair and seek antidepressant medicine. I don't want to feel this way 5, 10, 25 years down the road. I just think it's quite odd to endure this pain for this long.