Just rambling: NT Parents vs. AS Parents

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Ugh. Realizing I'm still pretty annoyed by some stupid comment my mother made several days ago. One thing moving back home after being away for 17 years has taught me: it really sucks when you realize the one person who you think to be your biggest ally is actually quite utterly clueless.

We were watching some new show my dad taped called </scorpion>. I could tell right away they were alluding that most of the characters were probably on the autistic spectrum, but the "A" word was never mentioned. I found the adult characters to be stereotypes of geniuses, not necessarily of autistics, and c'mon....if you're gonna write a show about someone with an IQ of 197, at least write an intelligent, believable plot, but I digress. lol When the one guy went into a panic at the chalkboard, something about how he can't work when there's no order, my mom says "So this is a show about some smart guy and a bunch of PEOPLE WITH PROBLEMS?"!

-_-

I love how my dad handled this moment, because I never react quickly enough. He pauses the show and says, "What do you mean people with PROBLEMS?!" with a little sneer at the end. She started stuttering out some sort of "save" but he had hit play and wasn't listening any longer. Ultimately, I don't think he was impressed with the show either, but *I* was definitely impressed with how he handled that situation. <3

This is just so ironic to me. When I first received my diagnosis 6 months ago, my mom told me that when I was 13 years old, my guidance counselor and the school psychologist met with her and my dad and told them they believed I was autistic and needed extra support. This was 25 years ago. As the story goes, this angered my dad and he told them there's nothing wrong with his daughter, there's something wrong with this school, and that was that. I was a little hurt and angry over this piece of news from my past for a while there, I felt like my dad failed me by not getting me the services I "needed" but now I'm beginning to understand his reasoning behind this more than ever before, especially now that I am going through a similar situation with my son. He just had an evaluation for the local Intermediate Unit, which is an extension of Early Intervention (due to speech issues). When they evaluated him, I could just tell they were trying to find things wrong with him, things that I *knew* were NOT wrong, simply evidence of our differences, so I'm trying to prepare myself to be HIS biggest ally at his upcoming IEP meeting.

So I guess here's another thing moving back home after being away for 17 years has taught me: it's really awesome when you realize someone you thought was against you is actually your biggest ally. I guess it makes sense. We do share a certain neurological wiring after all. ^_^

It just makes me think about all the criticisms directed at parents on the spectrum. It saddens me that so many NT parents (and social services!) actively try to keep children away from the AS parent after a divorce. Unless there is abuse of the child or drugs and alcohol on the part of the AS parent, this could be the biggest mistake ever made! AS children NEED that understanding! Sure, we're usually different in our parenting techniques, but we really do have our children's best interests at heart, and we have the unique ability to see the world through their eyes, something the NT world, or dare I even say an NT parent, can never truly have, not without a whole lot of time and effort.

So to all the NT parents who HAVE put in that time and effort, I applaud you! Could you please teach my mother how its done? Because after 38+ years, she still doesn't get it!

Good stuff - sounds like you've gained some wisdom and insight about your past and your parents.

Age and experience sometimes give us the ability to see things in a different light. This will no doubt help you in the raising of your son.

Take care.

I used to not understand why parents would take offense when you suggest there is something wrong with their child. Now as a parent, I get it.

During my childhood no one was aware of AS. Medical professionals simply labelled me as shy and hyper-sensitive, and in primary school some teachers commented that I could improve my level of participation in class. That was about it. Children labelled me as weird and nerdy, but that never bothered me, because I had no desire to fit in. Not being tagged with any further labels by adults probably enabled me to have the best possible childhood.

With 20/20 hindsight I see all the autistic traits in myself, in my son, and in the family of my wife as well. As long as AS is perceived as a disorder (ASD), I see no value in any official diagnosis and associated labelling. I can clearly see that NT parents will need assistance in raising an AS child, but the picture is different if there is no speech delay, and if the parents are Aspies as well, and old enough to have figured out a way to survive in an NT world. In fact, my son is organising significant parts of our daily activities in the form of various lists

I hope that in another 50 years AS will be accepted to the same extent that homosexuality is accepted today.

Huh, the reaction you had due to your son would have been my initial and only reaction towards my father for sticking up with me in a situation where I would feel they were trying to find something wrong with me. I would be nothing but appreciative that he stopped them from trying to find something wrong with me, as you say. "Thanks for believing in me".
In fact I have experienced something somewhat similar but not quite the same, and I was nothing but relieved that my family stood up for me.

Too right too. Teachers just love to jump on the chorus of something must be wrong with a child who isn't a clone. If you don't fit neatly into their mold, they see you as something to be pathologized. I have no love for teachers.

I don't understand, do you want your baby (EI won't usually touch children after they're 2.5) to receive services and are objecting to the ugly process of getting those services? Or have others pressured you into agreeing to the evaluation and you don't want him to receive services?

Either way, yes, it's not a kind system overall, though there is certainly skill and compassion to be found. And I'm sorry to say this but EI is actually kinder than as children get older.

We enrolled him in EI services because of a significant speech delay. The next step is a sort of pre-preschool for kids with special needs. He's 3 now and starts on the 21st. I'm okay with this only because I do know he needs speech therapy and definitely more opportunities to play with other children, but I don't want them pathologizing every little behavior. For example, he sometimes needs to stim before attending to a task. Will they punish that or accommodate him? They are also saying he's lacking in cognitive skills, even though he solved all their puzzles easily, just with a different approach than they expected. "I never saw a child do that before!" In the evaluation, this was seen as a "problem" and that definitely angered me. So he has unique problem solving skills, how is that something bad? This is one of many questions I have for them at the upcoming IEP meeting. In other words, I want him to receive help where he really needs it, but I don't want him to feel like there's something "wrong" with him.

Make sure you like the school and the providers and understand that an evaluation must catalog deficits to get services for a child. No deficits, no need to spend money on the child (from the point of view of EI or CPSE or CSE) and they won't be willing to spend money. The only way your child gets services is for being way behind. The interventions don't need to be to try to make him "normal" just to help him advance. I wouldn't expect the providers to jump on every difference when they work with him. Evaluating is different from providing interventions.

Well, the evaluation was set up to determine which services he is eligible for. Unfortunately he does have social, speech, and cognitive deficits, which means he's definitely eligible. :/ I'm mostly concerned about speech and his sensory integration issues, but his "cognitive defects" mostly involve unique problem solving skills, as they called them, and I don't see how that's a deficit. He is catching up quickly with his words, but still on par with a child 14 months younger than he is. I'm much happier with this school than the one he almost had to go to in the city we just moved away from, but still not completely happy, but does parent *really* 100% love their child's school? lol Unless they go to Montessori or are homeschooled, maybe!

It is wunderbar to have BAP parents who don't care about social crap, are face blinder than me, and super obsessive about eberrything.
I wouldn't have done well with NT parents, but then NT parents probably wouldn't have spawned me either, so it is a good match between me and my parents.