Does my recent boyfriend have aspergers?

Page 1 of 1 [ 15 posts ] 

Eleanormm
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

Joined: 3 Jul 2015
Age: 55
Posts: 1
Location: London

03 Jul 2015, 5:58 am

I'm sorry if this question has been asked a thousand times, but I am trying to understand the behaviour of someone that I have been dating. I love him but his behaviour is sometimes so weird, and hurtful, that I cannot understand how a kind and loving person can do it to me.

We started dating a few months ago but I had to finish it right at the start because I introduced him to some friends and he appeared to be obsessed with one particular female friend. I was totally dumbfounded by the behaviour as I really thought he liked me and he didn't seem like the kind of person who would do that (and it wasn't just my imagination because she too thought he was trying to hit on her). We fell out over it and lost touch. Then a few months later he moved to my neighbourhood and we became friends, and eventually decided to give it another go. I could tell that he was falling in love with me - especially when he arranged for me to meet his kids - in fact you could say that the relationship developed very quickly into something that felt very meaningful. Everything seemed perfect and I'd totally forgotten about the incident. But then he had an opportunity to meet another friend of mine whom he had met independently during the time that we were friends and whom he said he knew liked him and whom he liked too (but when she texted me asking for his number he decided that he wanted to be with me and didn't follow up on it). He saw her again this week in my company and although he'd only met her once before he was hugging her like she was a long lost friend; being physically over-familiar, asking to swap numbers and suggesting that they do things together like go mountain biking, right in front of me. When I confronted him over it he said that we had to finish because I couldn't trust him. He really could not see that he was doing anything that could be hurtful for me.

I have noticed when I am with him that he leaps straight in with strangers and is over-familiar with people. People like him because he is so fun and friendly and has a fantastic sense of humour, but I sometimes feel that he is just too eager - like a puppy that jumps on people and wants to be loved by everyone he meets. Surprisingly he tells me that he has few friends and so does loads of things by himself, like going to concerts and to the cinema. I can't work out if this is because he secretly likes being alone or if he just struggles to make lasting friendships because his behaviour is too intense.

He is incredibly kind and giving - too much in fact, which allows people to take advantage of him. Whenever we go to a bar he practically wants to buy everyone a drink, even strangers. Which is why I find it so surprising that he is willing to let me be hurt when he has such a kind and generous heart in so many other ways.

My mother has suggested that maybe he is suffering from Aspergers because he seemingly lacks empathy with others and doesn't seem to know how to behave in social situations, which led me to this forum. Do any of the above characteristics sound familiar or am I just looking for excuses to try to explain his behaviour? I don't think he has any other characteristics of it so maybe I am just looking for answers to make me feel better....

I would really appreciate any thoughts on this - for his sake as well as mine - because I don't want to give up on him if there is an explanation for his behaviour.

Thanks!



Cockroach96
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Jun 2015
Age: 27
Posts: 3,162
Location: Romania

03 Jul 2015, 6:34 am

He is not on the autism spectrum.


_________________
I'm a Romanian aspie.


peterd
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 25 Dec 2006
Age: 71
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,347

03 Jul 2015, 6:59 am

Well, probably not. There are those of us who adapt to not understanding anything by assuming no one else does either. This can lead to all sorts of abnormalities. Without his personal commitment to finding out what's going on, further investigation is stymied.



iliketrees
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Mar 2013
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,155
Location: Earth

03 Jul 2015, 7:03 am

Eleanormm wrote:
lacks empathy

Lacking empathy is not a symptom of Asperger's. People only think that because the families of serial killers say stuff like "oh he lacks empathy I think he has Asperger's". Basically just them shifting the blame away from them onto something completely unrelated.

And it is impossible to diagnose or label him online.

That being said, although it's impossible to say for certain, I don't think he does. No definite symptoms were listed. Not outruling it, just my opinion based on this small piece of information. Not enough is known about him to so suddenly come to a judgement that he does.



Cockroach96
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Jun 2015
Age: 27
Posts: 3,162
Location: Romania

03 Jul 2015, 7:29 am

Quote:
People only think that because the families of serial killers say stuff like "oh he lacks empathy I think he has Asperger's".

People like Adam Lanza give us a bad name. Human memory is very selective. People only remember what they want. They think that all killers are Aspies, and all Aspies are or will be murderers. How about the NT killers, such as John Wilkes Booth, Lee Harvey Oswald, Ted Bundy, John Wayne Gacy etc.? "They never existed, it's just a conspiracy.". Facepalm.
I hate people. I hate society.

OP, you can ask your recent boyfriend to take the AQ test. It's an unofficial diagnosis tool, but it's free and works well.


_________________
I'm a Romanian aspie.


Britte
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 23 Nov 2014
Gender: Female
Posts: 8,136
Location: @

03 Jul 2015, 8:00 am

To add to what iliketrees has mentioned, and without diagnosing him, myself, you have listed several behaviors that are the same as the behaviors/characteristics that a psychopath who deceived me, possessed. They wear a mask and 'charm' their way into the heats, minds and lives of innocent, loving, nurturing people, and, as you are describing, they can, and will easily move onto the next 'target' who turns them on, has anything at all, of benefit to them, and who can feed their narcisstic supply. And yes, they will buy a full bar of people, endless rounds of drinks, in an effort to get praise, or to convince people to believe that their (false) generosity is real. Although you are most welcome here, on Wrong Planet, you may benefit greatly by viewing a website community called Psychpath-free or lovefraud.com. If you relate to the content withing the discussions in the forums, there, you might want to read; The Sociopath Next Door", by Martha Stout and "Without Conscience", by Robert Hare. If it turns out that your 'friend' does not possess the traights you will learn about in the literature Ive mwntioned, it can't hurt to have the knowledge that you will aquire from those books, as the existence of exploitative people has become highly prevalent in recent years. -All the best to you.



starfox
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 15 Mar 2015
Posts: 1,012
Location: United states of Eurasia

03 Jul 2015, 8:14 am

As above said I can tell he doesn't have aspergers


_________________
We become what we think about; since everything in the beginning is just an idea.

Destruction and creation are 2 sides of the same coin.


iliketrees
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Mar 2013
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,155
Location: Earth

03 Jul 2015, 8:18 am

Britte wrote:
behaviors/characteristics that a psychopath

It is true a lack of empathy is a major part of psychopaths (now called Antisocial Personality Disorder, ASPD) and that this could potentially be deceptive and manipulative behavior. However I don't think we can be so quick to jump to conclusions that this is what OP's ex was up to. Could be possible, though. Especially since the main concern is lack of empathy. However lack of empathy can come with other things, such as narcissism.



Britte
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 23 Nov 2014
Gender: Female
Posts: 8,136
Location: @

03 Jul 2015, 8:38 am

iliketrees wrote:
Britte wrote:
behaviors/characteristics that a psychopath

It is true a lack of empathy is a major part of psychopaths (now called Antisocial Personality Disorder, ASPD) and that this could potentially be deceptive and manipulative behavior. However I don't think we can be so quick to jump to conclusions that this is what OP's ex was up to. Could be possible, though. Especially since the main concern is lack of empathy. However lack of empathy can come with other things, such as narcissism.


Indeed. Like you, I don't believe in diagnosing. I think I just have a deep desire to put the thought or possibility out there, perhaps, because, I want to do my part to help others avoid what happens to a person in the aftermath of an experience with a p/s/n/apd person. I think I would feel somewhat irresponsible, having the knowledge and not, at least sharing bits of my own knowledge/ insight. Just for the sake of possibly sparking the desire in someone in the same position as the original poster to seak further information. I hope this is somewhat understandable and acceptable.



HighLlama
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 12 Apr 2015
Age: 40
Gender: Male
Posts: 8,017

03 Jul 2015, 8:52 am

Sounds like potential borderline personality traits. They can be your best friend one day, and then you are invisible the next. Very friendly and seemingly communal when life is great, but everyone is the enemy when life is hard. It can appear similar to Asperger's in some ways, but I think someone with Asperger's probably wouldn't realize they were hurting you and would feel very bad once they learned they had. This doesn't sound like your boyfriend. From what you said, he didn't really say that he was confused about romantic signals between himself, you, and these other women. It sounds more like he was going after whoever was more convenient rather than misinterpreting the social cues.

Regarding his unstable friendships, that is a sign of borderline personality, too. My brother has a lot of those personality traits, and he's similar to what you're describing. He is way more charming and has always had more love interests and friends than I have, but he also sees people as second to him. His unstable friendships and relationships don't stem from poor social skills, but rather from trust issues, not seeing others as his equals, and his need to move on to whatever easy path to wealth, sex, and fame he thinks he's found. Though socially accepted, he will still do things on his own even though he craves lots of attention and approval. Sometimes he may just want to be alone, but it can also be a way of looking like he doesn't need others, and thus drawing them to himself. He is also constantly changing life goals and I've never seen him display obsessive interests (except in himself) or any kind of stimming/sensory behaviors. I know people can learn to hide some of these things, but does your boyfriend show any obsessive interests, stimming behaviors, or sensory problems? I feel like going to a crowded bar and being social enough to buy people drinks is one of the last things someone with Asperger's would do, though I don't mean to stereotype.

http://psychcentral.com/disorders/borderline-personality-disorder-symptoms/.



starfox
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 15 Mar 2015
Posts: 1,012
Location: United states of Eurasia

03 Jul 2015, 9:03 am

He's probably learning disabled. People with learning difficulties behave like that sometimes


_________________
We become what we think about; since everything in the beginning is just an idea.

Destruction and creation are 2 sides of the same coin.


HighLlama
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 12 Apr 2015
Age: 40
Gender: Male
Posts: 8,017

03 Jul 2015, 9:07 am

starfox wrote:
He's probably learning disabled. People with learning difficulties behave like that sometimes


That's a good point. I know some people who have an ID diagnosis, but it is mild. You wouldn't necessarily know they have learning difficulties since they could have jobs, children, and live alone, but they are often too trusting.



Marky9
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Mar 2013
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,625
Location: USA

03 Jul 2015, 9:37 am

I read nothing in OP's description that would cause me to think ASD.

Rather, if we are searching for labels, I would research along the lines others have mentioned: sociopathy, psychopathy, borderline, etc.

Regardless of labels, if I look into my dubious crystal ball I would see it as unlikely his behavior will change no matter what you say or do. But then my crystal ball has been wrong before.



The_Walrus
Forum Moderator
Forum Moderator

User avatar

Joined: 27 Jan 2010
Age: 29
Gender: Male
Posts: 8,789
Location: London

03 Jul 2015, 4:43 pm

His love of bodily contact is extremely atypical for AS.



kamiyu910
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Dec 2012
Age: 39
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,036
Location: California

03 Jul 2015, 4:59 pm

He sounds so much like my sociopathic uncle...


_________________
Your Aspie score: 171 of 200
Your Neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 40 of 200