Feeling left out

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Hi everyone

I have some feelings that maybe some people here can relate to.

I have spent a lot of time in my life dealing with mental illness (anxiety, depression, major OCD), and recovering from a childhood of abuse.

I went from one college (1.5 yrs) to this other college (here 2 years now). The first time I had a sort of mental breakdown and had NO semblance of a normal college experience. This second college has been...better, but I have obsessed so much over my interest (piano and composing) as a way to cope with the mental illness that I haven't really had a "normal" experience here, either.

Sometimes I try to convince myself that this is just what "gifted" people do and are. We spend our time alone. We don't socialize a lot, we are okay with that, and it's somehow worth it because the result is a person with a lot of knowledge and skill.

Yes, I know a LOT about my subject. But sometimes I wonder...was it worth it? I see my childhood friend (he moved away but we keep in touch) on Facebook who is also on the spectrum, also interested in a few special topics, but he hasn't had the battle I have had. He has pictures of his friends. He has had college adventures -- simple things like going on hikes, being in a video club, sledding on a snow day. I don't have those things. I have a lot of pain, a lot of learning yes, a lot of being the star student, but not a lot of being a kid, being silly, making friendships, laughing, smiling. Not a lot of that.

It isn't that nobody wants to be around me. It's that I don't make time for it.

My long college career is winding down soon. I have about 1.5 years left. It feels kind of like a ghost. I feel sad. My high school years were this way too. I just don't know how to relax. I crave this uncomplicated youthfulness but I never know where to look, and when I do, it always just seems like it is too late. I feel responsible for this, as if it is my fault for not naturally doing what everybody else does. I feel I have let myself down -- why couldn't I just live? Why couldn't I just let myself have fun? Why can't I now? What's my problem?

Any thoughts? Can I rediscover this youthfulness that I never had even if I am away from college?

it is never too late to love your inner child and give her free expression.

Bextehude,

I am a little unsure from your post whether or not you want social activity or not. I will answer the best way I can.

First, I also am in music - a pianist and composer (and saxophonist, too.)

You sound like a very serious person. I am also. When I was your age, I had to be taught how to have a sense of humor (I met my husband in college, and he taught me.) I rarely laughed, rarely smiled, and was never just goofy. Everything had to have a point or purpose to it, or I felt like it was a waste of thought, time, and energy.

That does not mean I didn't know how to have fun. It just meant that my kind of fun was not the same as other people's kind of fun. This is still true for me today. I do not have the same kinds of memories as a "typical" college kid. I was/am way too serious for that, and I am OK with that. I would not enjoy having those types of memories. I did have some friends (wish I had more), but in the end, my close friends have been people who enjoy the same kinds of fun as me or who also take life very seriously (which shows they understand me.)

Now, my thoughts on being a musician:

1. The time you have spent on it is worth it. You will never again have as much time to practice and compose as you do now. When you get out of college and are living on your own, housekeeping, grocery shopping, making meals, and other daily stuff one must do to live takes up more time than you can imagine. Traveling to jobs or meeting with people/rehearsing takes up a lot of time. One cannot make up the time as an adult that one did not spend as a youngster practicing.

2. However, it is good to have an outlet. Music must not be a musician's hobby. The musicians I know who had no other hobby got burned out and left music. A musician needs a break from music, just like anyone needs a break from any job. Sometimes it seems that a musician can *love* music so much, why would we want to do spend any time doing anything else? But, it is a bit like being married. Just because we love our spouse doesn't mean we don't need to talk to someone else ever. That would be ridiculous. Having a hobby is like going out with some friends instead of staying home with one's spouse ALL THE TIME.

Music can bring about a lot of stress. Find something else you can do to get away from it a bit and clear your head. Find something to do that you can do with others, and then you will have a social life apart from the people you work with all the time. The outlet does not have to be goofy or useless - it just needs to be relaxing and enjoyable for you.