Should I go back?

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Hi there,

Quite a few years ago, I was introduced to Asperger's as a concept. It seemed to be relevant, but I never really looked too deeply into it.

1-2 years ago, the subject caught my attention again, but this time I got really into it. I brought it up with my PCP (who prescribed me anti-anxiety meds for which I couldn't even bring myself to fill the prescription, but that's another story), but she also got me an appointment to see a Psychiatrist.

I saw the psychiatrist last May. I filled out a couple of forms, and waited about an hour for my appointment (not the doctor's fault: I have this thing about being late, and the appointment was in the next town over, and I left myself WAY too much time to drive over there). I do not remember enough to quote what the doctor said (I was in a bit of a state for the 1-hour appointment, even if I was any good at that in the first place), but to paraphrase what I remember: "Well, I can't say for 100% that you have it - since there's no blood test or X-ray for things like this - but there's a really good chance that you have it"; 'it', being Asperger's.

At the time, I thought that was enough for me; that it would be satisfactory. But the longer I go, the less it feels like enough. I keep worrying that:
- He just told me what he thought I wanted to hear (meanwhile writing on my med recs that there was nothing wrong, or that I was just looking for attention, or something like that)
- He wasn't a specialist in autism/asperger's and I biased the result by stating my suspicions going in and/or biased my own answers/responses by knowing the symptoms beforehand.
- He never actually said "Yes, you have it," just sort of a vague statement that it's likely.
- Maybe I am just looking for attention, and this is the latest thing I've latched onto?
- Most if not all of the diagnostic criteria apply, but I have this feeling that there are so many people out there with worse manifestations than what I've got, and it feels like if I put that label on myself it diminishes the people who are much worse off than I am (this one is kind of hard to explain: I hope no offense is taken)

So now I'm wondering if I should ask to go back to the psychiatrist to get something more 'official'. The thing is, at this point I'm both worried that I do have it, and worried that I don't. I'm worried that he's going to tell me that I'm just selfish and seeking attention, and I'm worried that he's going to say that I do have it which freaks me out because then I feel like I won't be able to trust myself and second guess everything (do I actually feel this way, or is it because of the AS? Do I actually want/not want to do this thing, or is it because of the AS? Is this reaction actually to strong to deal with, or am I just not trying hard enough?). I'm scared to ask for confirmation one way or the other because both answers terrify me.

I'm also not sure how to go about it. I'm in Ontario, Canada; do I go to my PCP and ask for the Psych records, or should I go back to the Psych for the records? Should I ask to see the Psych anyway? The PCP and Psych appointments would be covered by OHIP, so the cost isn't the issue, but the wait time's abysmal (the first appointment was only 6 months after it was booked; I think I got lucky and got in relatively soon).

I really hope this made sense. I've been in a bit of a state all night (my husband is working this evening, and I probably should have found something to occupy myself other than reading WP forum posts and getting sad: he usually makes me stop before I get too upset. Plus I just remembered I forgot to eat dinner). I'm sorry if this is the wrong place to be asking this.

You can rest assured that you shouldn't be too worried about slipping into the "I'm only saying I don't want to/can't do this because of AS" thing. It's pretty rare for that to happen, and if it does, it mostly wears off after the diagnosis sinks in. You know the sorts of things you can and can't handle, and whether they're caused by AS, or by your simply being human, it doesn't really matter, and doesn't make your response to whatever it is you're balking at any less valid.

Regarding the decision to go for a diagnosis, I know if it were me, the wondering and constant flip-flopping back and forth between "I totally have it" to "I'm a complete hypochondriac" was a lot worse than knowing, one way or the other. I suppose it's rather like ripping a band aid off, to be simplistic about it; you're worried about it until you actually do it, and it's over. I would probably go back to see the psych again, but that's just me, especially if this mental bind you seem to be in is a regular occurrence. Good luck, keep us posted!

Yes. Since cost is not an issue and you already know this will bother you until you resolve it, you should take steps to resolve it. Knowing is much better.