Struggling with a situation

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I’m struggling mentally with a situation at the moment.

My landlord is selling our home, we’ve known this for a while. But there are problems in the house she needs to fix that are not related to us (leaking roof, boiler problems). She’s coming Monday, and in that time I need to get the house in order. She requires the house to look like a show home when she visits or potential buyers visit - which is extremely frustrating in itself.

I just feel like running away. In fact I always run away from problems, but this is not a problem I can easily run away from. I feel mentally frustrated. It’s like a whirlwind inside my head.

Honestly, nobody understands what’s going on inside my head right now. It’s like my head won’t rest. It’s telling me “this stuff needs doing now, you do not have time, do it now”. But I’m not thrilled about the idea of having to do those tasks when I have other tasks that need doing. I’m really struggling with a project I have on at the moment and that needs doing.

A normal person would be “Get up and sort it then”. But it’s not that easy for me to just do that.

I can’t relax. I can’t rest. I am agitated and wrestles. I can’t focus. Plus the fact of knowing we will have to move, and arrange all the moving, and resettle, all that stress, not having any money to do so.

I can’t collect my thoughts. I can’t find a starting point to work out this mess. It’s like a massive ball of tangled wool in my head.

Have you found a new place yet?

No. And the problem is if I don't do as she asks I'm worried I will get a poor reference which means I will never be able to find another place.

That sucks. Home is supposed to be a safe place and this is a total invasion for you. Is she selling with you as sitting tenants - so that you an stay with a new landlord?

I noticed that you are English, since you use the word "whilst."

Are you in "council housing?" If so, I believe one could obtain a new place quickly--the problem is choice.

In the US, it could be an even tougher situation.

I don't feel safe here. I feel like at any moment I could lose the place. I feel like I have to do everything she says. Sometimes I feel like I'm a living cleaner who's paying rent to maintain her property like a show home so she can sell it. Even my parents said it's not right, but she has a hold over me with the reference. She's selling whilst we're living here, but if someone buys, we're out. Unless we're lucky enough to get a buyer who wants to rent.

I just want to feel safe and secure and wake up without my head feeling like a jumble of knots.

I've tried to get help with social housing, and they've told me they can't help unless I am actually made homeless. Which is silly because once the house sells I have 2 months to find somewhere and in that time theres no time for social housing to help (I'm in the UK).

It's constant worry all the time. Especially because I have to change my routine to suite her, and when we have house viewing people intrude and that ruins whatever plans I had. It's all out of my control.

I absolutely agree with what Ann is saying. I wish I could offer better advice. Stay around--there are knowledgeable people here.

Yes I'm in the UK. I am privately renting at the moment. Obtaining council housing is difficult because in order to do so you have to be made homeless first. I can register for council housing, which I have done, but you go to the bottom of the waiting list which takes years to get offered a place through normal routes. When you're made homeless they rehouse you in a hostel - which I couldn't live in due to ASD. But my diagnosis is new, when I registered I wasn't diagnosed so I will update that, but I think it will make no difference.

I'm looking for another private place at the moment, but staying close to my support network (parents and family) is making finding a property very difficult.

Could you start looking for a new place now, before she sells? She can't begrudge you that - she's the one creating the situation. That way you would be taking control and can leave the situation as soon as you find a suitable place.

Yeah. That's what I have been doing, but there's not many properties in my price range, in the area or surrounding areas. I have to stay within a close proximity to family. My partner has a child who has Autism and he has to remain in the same school in the area because it's taken him 2 years to get the help he needs and the school has finally worked with him. Moving schools for him would be unsettling for him plus he'd have to go back to the start of the processes to get support in his new school, and support from the Psychs in the local area. So I have no option to relocate further.

He has no "official" diagnosis on paper. But the school and his psychs are aware of it, his next appointment he will get his diagnosis and report, so until then I can't inform the housing office of his "Autism".

Cripes, that is a pickle. Don't stew over it though - sometimes life throws curve balls. Don't waste your energy wishing the situation were different. Focus on what you do have control over and go with it. When I'm in situations like this, I tell myself "it's not what happens, it's how you deal with it."

If you're anything like me, you're taking things literal and that's what's at the root of this hard time. A landlord can't hold a reference over your head because if that was so, they could get away with murder with you, and then everyone would have to live in the streets or succumb to exploitation at the hands of their landlords or else they'd get a bad reference and live homeless forever.

You're supposed to keep the apt. clean and tidy, but no more than that. It's perfectly acceptable also to apologize, saying your having to look for a new place and invest time, energy and money into it, precludes you from investing more in the looks of the apt. right now, but your landlord is welcome to come help (if he wants more than clean and tidy). If worse comes to worse, and your landlord badmouths you in the references, or you're pretty sure they will when asked, then you can advance an explanation to a prospective landlord and say that there was an unfortunate conflict in the last minute that's gotten your reference-giver angry right now, but that you were always an excellent tenant. Just remember: you are never expected to live according to the literalexpectations of people. This is a mistake we aspies make, and that's where NTs have an easier time than us. Things are always more flexible than we aspies think.

As to finding a new place in your current surroundings, you will. It may not be what you had in mind and it may be a compromise for the time being, but your stepson will not be in this same school for the next 20 years.

If I were you, and I've done this in the past when I feared the "boss" might give me a bad reference due to last minute over-expectations, I'd request a reference letter right now, saying that because you're looking for an apt. you're already being asked for a letter, even if not yet for their phone number. That way, your landlord is not able to badmouth you later on, because you could take them to court for lying, as you have a letter from them saying you were a good tenant.