Overcompensating in relationships

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One solution people prone to insecurity employ in relationships is to respond to potentially or indeed actual high emotion situations with a measure of detachment and calm. In an argument the method is to always remain less angry than your partner and with intimacy always just as affectionate.

I havent actually tried this as there's never been cause since none of my relationships have ever gotten to the living together stage when this stuff becomes a real issue, I just remember to take a step back then another and another and then analyse the situation before coming to a negative conclusion .


Would it be an idea to try or would it just (as im guessing) look obvious and cause more trouble for example uncontrollable outbursts due to stored up issues and/or unconscious displays of displeasure.

It is deeply flawed im aware but for some the alternative is worse. Quite a few of us have a tendency to misinterpret things negatively so that innocent comments end up being processed as slights and insults. Withh this also inevitably comes insecurity and consequently a need for reassurance. The result is nauseating to behold and in guys its worse.

If I were to ask for confirmation of intent after every misinterpreted statement i'd end up having to ask regularly:"what did you mean by this?" etc which would be a drain for a partner. My approach has always been to just analyse the "offending statement or action" and much of the time ive missed an important detail which explains it away. My parents taught me to respond to everything with equanimity or rather to aim toward this by not behaving reactively which has been very very very helpful.

There is a saying that goes with this:

The person who cares less has all the power

If you are much more invested into a person or relationship than that one is to you, you are setting yourself up to be hurt. It is naturally in us to care more and compensate for our shortcomings and it damn hurts when people abuse it. But people see these forms of kindness as a weakness or act of desperation to exploit.

Here is a well written list why being overly caring and compensating for someone usually just doesn't work any more these days or even can work against you:
http://thoughtcatalog.com/christopher-h ... deal-with/

If you know that you're prone to misinterpreting things as slights or insults, then it IS on you to avoid escalating the engagement from a conversational exchange to a fight.

While it may well be exhausting for an NT partner to be asked what they meant, it's even worse to be faced with a defensive partner who gets upset when you ask where the butter is.

If you're in a relationship and you know you have trouble interpreting tone of voice, then you need to try to judge on overall actions. What they do, rather than what they say (or how you think they're saying it) If they are there for you much of the time, do stuff for you, usually provide emotional and physical support - then you should probably work from the assumption that they aren't attacking you or insulting you when they ask for something or even grumble about the state of the fridge. This isn't overcompensating.

Sometimes, too, they may be speaking to you in an unpleasant tone with implied criticism. Sometimes you will be right. Much better to ask "What did you mean?" or even "How can I help with that?" or "What do you want me to do?" in as even a tone as possible than to escalate things further. Trust me, they will be doing this for you on many occasions.

To avoid being in an unpleasant relationship, you need to judge behaviour and not tone when you know your 'tone meter' isn't quite calibrated correctly.

Ah, Jono - I thought you were done with me?

If the AS person in question does not know that they have this problem then:

1) why are they with someone who is 'attacking' them all the time?
2) maybe they shouldn't be in a relationship.
3) perhaps they should listen to their partner who is telling them "all I meant when I asked if you'd seen my keys is 'have you seen my keys?'"

This is a question asked by someone with AS who wants to improve her relationship skills and who knows this has been a problem for her. She is worried about 'overcompensating'. If anything I was perhaps not clear enough about judging her partner on behavioural aspects to ensure it's a relationship worthy of continuing - since tone of voice won't be a good measure for her.

My position on being with someone who constantly reacts to reasonable demands with defensiveness and verbal aggression has not changed. You shouldn't put up with it. It's not acceptable behaviour. I wish I hadn't put up with it for as long as I did.

Ah sorry! I made a wrong assumption. I wouldn't worry about your writing style.

Nothing wrong with being a woman, though!

Nothing wrong with that either.

No it's not appropriate

And no, I'm not going to PM you. I'm not really interested in discussing this with you in great depth. It's kinda my policy not to get one on one with people who accuse me of character flaws, lack of empathy and insight, seem to get angry at anything I say and who've said they're 'done with me'.

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