I need some relationship advice please...

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Is it time to move on?
Yes 82%  82%  [ 9 ]
No 18%  18%  [ 2 ]
Other 0%  0%  [ 0 ]
Total votes : 11

puddlejumper
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20 Apr 2015, 9:59 pm

I need some outside input and don't really know where else to go. I don't really have any friends besides my bf and my one friend who is also isolative so I haven't been able to get ahold of him in a few weeks...

I've been with my bf for 3 years. He says he loves me and I believe that he thinks he does but...

He doesn't want to see me. We're semi long distance. We live 1.5 hrs apart. For the past few months our schedule has been that he comes to visit me on the weekends unless he can't get off work. I generally try to avoid going there because he lives with his brother and even though I've never had a conversation with his brother and we have barely exchanged any words, my bf has made comments that lead me to believe that his brother hates me. (Though now I'm starting to think that he doesn't hate me as much as I thought, it's my bf exaggerating or over simplifying or using him as a scape goat to get rid of me when he doesn't want to be honest with me.)

Anyway, this past weekend he said he couldn't come because he had a lot of school work and work for the internship he's trying to get. I understand that and was okay with that at first. I decided it would be worth it for me to go visit him this time even though he would be busy and we wouldn't get to spend all that much time together. It would've been enough to just see him at all and cuddle up with him at night. He didn't want me to come. When I talked to him about why that upset me he said that not seeing me for two weeks was "no big deal."

He doesn't value my opinions. Example: I've been trying to get him to go to the doctor for months. For his hereditary heart condition that's been acting up. For his inflamed wisdom teeth that he was told to get removed as soon as possible. For his eczema that won't go away. He got a cold last month and on his mom's advice went to the doc the same day.

A little extra info: In our first year together we lived together for a few months. We had a horrendous experience with some Craigslist roommates and either they had to go or we did. I wanted to stay and fight for the apartment because it was a nice place and we had been living there longer. He convinced me to move out saying he'd move in with his brother and I could stay with family (who he knows I HATE) and in a month or two tops we'd get our own 1bd so we wouldn't have to live with roommates. That's how we became long distance. Over a year later he's still "not ready" to move in with me because somehow this time it's a much bigger deal.

We broke up twice a few months ago. I attributed it to my manic episode that I was going through. I have a REALLY hard time with this whole long distance thing.

I love him and he's the sweetest guy but I don't want to be with someone that doesn't love me as much as I love him. I just need some input on whether I'm overreacting or if it's time to move on.



cathylynn
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20 Apr 2015, 10:07 pm

i can understand him not wanting you to come when he's got a lot to do. not wanting to see a doctor is a guy thing. it doesn't mean he doesn't value your opinion. not wanting to move in might be a bigger issue, depending on if you can both afford it. it could actually show he's not as committed as you are. only you can decide of that's a deal-breaker.



puddlejumper
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20 Apr 2015, 10:14 pm

What really struck me was that he said not seeing me for two weeks was no big deal. For me, seeing him only once a week is already a big deal. I want to be able to see him everyday when we get home from work/school/errands...



cathylynn
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20 Apr 2015, 11:14 pm

the person who is less committed or less needy always controls the relationship. my husband is crazy about me, while i just care for him. he doesn't suffer much because of it because i don't press my advantage. i appreciate him and his contributions. if he were with someone less empathetic or principled, he could easily be taken advantage of. if you feel taken advantage of, it's time to re-assess.



puddlejumper
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21 Apr 2015, 10:27 am

Thank you for your input. That's an interesting perspective, though I'm not sure I agree with it... I guess I have a lot of thinking to do...



Antharis
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21 Apr 2015, 4:52 pm

puddlejumper wrote:
What really struck me was that he said not seeing me for two weeks was no big deal. For me, seeing him only once a week is already a big deal. I want to be able to see him everyday when we get home from work/school/errands...


First thing: The wisdom teeth are something of serious concern, if he won't listen to you, ask for help from someone he will listen to. Removal is trickier the longer you leave them in, and there's potential for infection and jaw damage. It's a gnarly process but the outcome of delaying it can be even worse.

With that out of the way, keep in mind each couple is going to have different boundaries. Some are perfectly ok with seeing each other once a month, for some twice a week is a bare minimum.

Something that's standing out to me is the fact that he's the one making all the effort to meet you, so can you say for sure that doesn't want to see you? And what's with you letting his brother keep you from going to him? does his brother chaperone you or something? If you haven't had a conversation there's no real reason for him to hate you, some people just give that impression without trying.

Another thing that's standing out to me is, if you had to move out, why separate rather than together? Was money an issue? What are the reasons that make moving back in a big deal, when you already moved in together once? If a year has passed, that smells of you being a placeholder for someone else, someone he may or may not have found yet. (Keep in mind I'm a very cynical person that does not have the full context though)

There's a lot of context I don't have, and it seems communication that should be happening isn't happening. Ultimately you have to voice your concerns to him directly and decide for yourself. It seems in your heart you already have the impression that he may not value you as much as he says he does. Probe him for corroboration.



vercingetorix451
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21 Apr 2015, 6:57 pm

Sounds like he isn't putting much effort into the relationship. :/