About being myself...
01 Apr 2015, 9:20 pm
I've got social anxiety, and i'm not sure whether that's due to having been rejected or disapproved of in the past. Was i natural at one point, but then disapproved of? and that made me feel bad... so i quit that behavior? Why i'm speculating that is because i can relate to suppressing things i want to say because i'm afraid of hurting someone's feelings, but i'm not sure whether that would be sufficient to generate anxiety. Can anxiety come from being afraid to fail in social interaction or expectations? I want to break free, just be myself... I don't want to care whether i hurt someone's feelings when i speak, or that i appear arrogant. I just want to be myself, i don't want to have to worry about how to act or consider other's feelings. I get all stressed when speaking to people and i'm not sure if that's due to suppressing my real self. Officially i don't have aspergers, but my family believes that i do. So, they think my whole lack of social skills is due to having it. I don't feel that i lack social skills, i just feel that i am faking myself in social situations and by doing so i appear artificial, because i am in denial. I deny my real self. Do people with Asperger's deny their true selfs in social situations? Is that inherent in me? Or am i just traumatized rather than lacking social skills? Whenever i enter a social situation, i feel like I've got to follow some kind of routine. I'm paralyzed. It's not like i have noted down what and what not to do... I'm just suppressed. I'm tired of it. Should i just be myself? I know that's a stupid question, of course i should be myself... but i feel like i need permission... It's totally f****d up. Like, i keep asking myself; "can i just be myself? really, is that possible?". I'm too weird to be myself among people, that's what i'm thinking. Like i don't deserve to be myself. I'm too weird. I don't know what the f**k to do, I've been going on like this my entire life. Now i just want to break out of it. I don't want to care anymore. I want to say whatever pops into my head. Maybe i just needed to share this, i'm not sure. Like, i see no logical reason as to why i should not be myself. But in the situation, in the moment, I am dominated by the ones talking. I don't have time to think. I just want to tell everyone to f**k off, i'm not interested in what you have to say. But it's not only speaking, It's all the facial impressions that people give me... They overwhelm me. I try to close my eyes or look away when communicating with someone, but then all what repeates in my mind is, how ret*d i must look to the other person. So, i get no peace. I feel, that if i just slip and become my true self just for a moment, they might spot me. Am i paranoid? Am i heavily traumatized? Over the years, it's become too difficult to be myself... I don't even know what my true self is in social situations. Just the notion of being observed, renders me unnatural, and i have no idea how to act as myself.
02 Apr 2015, 11:13 am
That's a tough place to be, I can understand the frustration with it all.
Let's suppose for a moment that you are autistic, just hypothetically. How would you view the weirdness then? Would it make sense that you become overwhelmed with facial expressions? Would looking away or closing your eyes be considered a coping mechanism rather than a fault? Just a thought exercise. It might help you realize you are being you.
