Ending the grudge with mods, admins, bots of any chat room.

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I'm stuck in a situation where I think of chat moderators as this > and tend to be very hostile to them (either attack or fearfully avoid them). This goes back in 2006 where I encountered a corrupted mod from hippie chat room at the time when I was new to the site. He picked, harassed and even silenced me for no reason whatsoever which forced myself to never return to that place for 5 years only to be banned a year after my return for excessive pessimism. In reality, those days then was a drag due to so many personal problems (coming out of the closet as bisexual, friendship crisis, etc.) I had to face which caused me to be disillusioned with life. Being banned added fuel to the fire I tried to put out and ended up in deep depression that lasted for a month (despite that the ban was lifted 3 months later). That was the start of the grudge towards mods of any chat room. I was so pissed at them that I began calling them all "Hitlers" because I viewed them to be "totalitarian". Then I started to use the wrong planet chat room which felt kinda warm welcome a bit that didn't last long because of the presence of the admins. But 4 months ago, I was banned once again for 4 weeks but this time from the room of this site because I snapped when trying to end a religious argument with someone. As a result, the whole month of April become one of the worst months of my life due to so many nervous breakdowns, deep depression, total seclusion from everyone and even attempted suicide. When the ban was lifted once again after 4 weeks, my grudge towards chat moderators was worse. That resulted in attacking them whenever they ban or silence someone, harass them when coming in, or convince others to revolt against them at times. But as time passed, I've noticed something about them that doesn't make them all evil or corrupted. Such as one of them fixing up my computer, another cooling me down in my troubled times and being helpful towards others in need. I wish there's a way to end the grudge since my anger and paranoia towards them is "beyond the point". Even making peace with the chat mods didn't work since there's times where I still feel that fear, bitterness and madness towards them with a fury of anger. I hope there's gotta be a way to get myself to cool down begin trusting them with respect because at this point, my grudge is really affecting my friendship with certain people in a very negative way and also more likely end up in a situation a lot more worse where I was then. Hopefully there's a miracle to end the grudge and make truly peace with mods.

What I would do, and I've done many times:

Just start fresh. A new beginning, a new life.

The mods are pretty liberal here, especially within the Philosophy/Religion subforum. As long you as you don't espouse something like the Nazi ideology, you'll be okay. Many different viewpoints, both rightist and leftist, are expressed.

Pessimism, per se, doesn't get you banned here. If you talk about killing someone, or talk about hating a group of people, that's another matter.

Read, and understand the rules. Sometimes people get away with stuff. Sometimes others hold grudges too. I tend to have your very same problems in the real world. Especially when I know I'm right.

Well I was banned for being a pessimistic since it was too severe and in fact, I was voted out by almost everyone in the hippie chat room for 3 months. Sometimes I feel sympathy towards the mods (due to their sincerity) but feel very terrified of them at the same. That fear is what keeps the grudge alive since in my mind like they are a bolt of lightning. You never where and when is ever gonna strike, in other words "unpredictable". At this point now, there's some warming up in my heart towards them but the grudge is still strong. It's time to start all over again the best I can so hopefully everything will be fine between me and the mods.