My promise to the trans community

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I promise the trans community that I will not engage in any more trans advocacy, except that which directly concerns myself.

What happened if you don't mind sharing?

My engagement in trans advocacy just seems to create hostility; I'm said to be arrogant and obsessed. I'm told I need to control my anger and frustration and not just "stomp my feet" saying "I want and I want it now!" I'm also seen as self-serving, even though my main target categorical exclusions of trans health care doesn't apply to me (as my health plan does not specifically exclude it).

Making this promise has gotten me a bit depressed this morning, because engaging in trans advocacy, at least on the Internet, has been something I've lived for. I am now regretting this promise, but would feel guilty if I broke it.

I have a favor to ask: Would you, as another trans person, release me from this promise? I want to continue to work in trans advocacy.

I wouldn't hold you to that promise. I have no power over you to do that, and my understanding of reality, no one does except yourself.

Although I will explain something I run into which really irks me when it comes to the LGBT community. I haven't seen you do it to me but others may have brought this to your attention on their part, or something and I think everyone who advocates should remember it.

I'm not the same as anyone. It continually comes up in the two local support groups I went to where everyone else starts making statements along the line of "We all have dealt with this very specific thing in the same way, whatever that thing may be." Nearly every time I have to say no, I didn't experience that, or sit there and shut up because I might end up having a meltdown or walking out in anger. I can't stand people who marginalize my existence to fit their ideal victim or subject.

I don't mind that there are people who advocate for what I identify with or participate in, but I draw the line at the advocates portraying me to others as being a clone of themselves. I'm not.

If people are questioning your methods along with your goal, it could be that they are adverse to the methods and thus are afraid of your goals. I know there are individuals in my local LGBT community who should not under any circumstances open their mouth about any advocacy topic because they are rude, condescending, or so biased on something it skews everything else. Talking with others, it's a known issue with them and they are tolerated because the community must be inclusive, despite the individuals being douchebags. They mean well, but they aren't the people to rep the community. It might be that other perceive you in a similar vein.

Don't give up your advocacy. You do have to represent yourself even if most shun you for it.

As an example, remember that the revolutionary war was won by the efforts of the 3 percenters against over half the population being indifferent or against them and the might of the British military.

What I don't understand is that I'm wanting equal access to trans health care, so each trans person, no matter their socioeconomic status, would be able to make individual decisions with their doctors about how to proceed with their health care, like hormones or surgery. That's not really imposing anything on anybody.

I did mention that I was angry and frustrated at the situation in this country compared to countries like Canada and the U.K.; I also mentioned that the reason the exclusions were in place were because of animus, citing a public comment by the TLDEF in response to a request for information on establishing regulations for enforcing Section 1557 of the ACA (that deals with non-discrimination in health care) arguing that those exclusions were discriminatory. I was called out for naming the problem and then "railing" against it, but without coming up with any plan of my own; and the poster apparently did not agree that the exclusions were not animus-based. Another poster, a post-op, said she doesn't consider the exclusions to be illegal discrimination--and to be honest, I kinda despise post-ops who take on those kinds of views.

I then got a message from the forum director saying that the site is for support, not advocacy, so that is why I may have met with hostility. She did earlier warn me about my expression of "anger" and "frustration," however.

But the thing is, the situation as I understand is inherently biased and discriminatory, so I have every reason to be angry and frustrated about it. As an autistic person, when I discuss this issue, I think it's harder for me to put on that polite, happy face.

My therapist recommends reading Dale Carnegie to help with advocacy. Maybe I should try that.

They may perceive you as a fanatic relative to their own position. No one likes a fanatic. This has no bearing on your will to succeed, and is rooted in their point of view, which you have no control of.



Oh that. Yeah, that's a logic fallacy. I forget the name for it, but it goes -- You and others haven't finished, so therefore you've failed and are worthless.

I get this at work all the time. I'm partway through a task and people get butt-hurt because I'm not done yet for them. You've recognized the problem and are working on implementing and finding a solution, but they don't care. They're just trying to shut you up for whatever reason.



I also get this at work and other places. There are those who succeed who won't help others succeed. They may say pretty platitudes and be seen to verbally support others in some fashion, but they are useless overall.

It seems I deleted part of the message I was trying to quote when editing the quote tags.

Stardraigh,

Thanks for walking me through this.

I wonder where I should go from here.

One thing that I was getting into was, if my preauthorization for surgery is approved, was to keep it secret so that I did not incite misery and envy in any pre-op who was stuck being pre-op. But now I'm wondering if I should take that approach or if I should just share it.

What do you think?

No prob.

Two things to consider.

The first is that it's easy to cut people and things off. Literally you just have to stop going to websites, answering calls, not show up, etc... It's harder to keep connections when you want to and it's adversarial. You know this, but I'm saying it as a reminder. Any associations you have that are problematic should be re-evaluated.

The second is that If I was in your position and working on getting approval and the time arrived that I had it, I would most likely inform my family and tell my few friends that it's finally happening. I wouldn't show it off. No Social media post except for my blog and nobody reads that anyway because I'm boring. If it comes up in a social situation, it comes up, but I wouldn't just volunteer it. I don't know how private you see yourself, but that's what I would do.

But then again damn the torpedoes full speed ahead because who gives a f**k what other people think especially the ones that have no actual bearing on your life.

True. But I think being a show-off would be cruel and pointless. It's more or less dumb luck that my insurance plan has no specific exclusion and not anything particularly special on my part. Except for those that are able to do the whole work 60 hours a week, eat only ramen noodles, bicycle/walk to work, and live with like 5 other people to save money (which would be impossible for me), it's more or less dumb luck that they can get SRS in the first place. And heck, even for those who can pull that thing I mentioned off, the whole make your life monastic to get SRS thing, it's dumb luck they have the ability to do even that.

BTW, I've just started my third consecutive shift. I have worked 2 full consecutive shifts so far this week; I don't know when last I worked 2 full consecutive shifts. LOL.

My insurance changed it three years ago to add an exclusion for SRS coverage. Even though some of the minor stuff is covered like scripts and doc visits, I know I'm going to have to pay out of pocket for SRS and I'm saving accordingly. To switch insurance to something that would cover it now, would increase the cost of my insurance and I'd get less service. So I feel stuck with my insurance options. It's good for everything else but SRS now.

I get a nice paycheck, but I also have other costs so it evens out. And I have so much other work I need to do on myself. I'm a mess right now.