How to handle aggression in ASD children 8 and 12

Post Reply New Topic

I'm living with 2 possibly ASD children, my daughter aged 8 and my stepson aged 12.
My daughter was often quite aggressive (during her 2-3 wild daily tantrums) as a young child and very occasionally still is.
It's usually when she is being made to change from one activity to another - going to school, getting ready for bed etc. Especially if she is focused on something she 'needs' to do (which is often).
We are a in 1 year old 4 kid blended family, and due in part to the stress if this, but mainly due to my description of a not very empathic encounter with a school friend who she needed to kick ('softly', and it couldn't be an inanimate object as then she wouldn't know if she was kicking softly or not) she's recently started seeing a psychologist who specialises in ASD and has made an informal assessment if ASD. It seems to fit from what I've read.

It is a less obvious fit for my 12 y o stepson, who began seeing the same psychologist earlier to help with his difficulties with both quite frequent aggression to his family members (swearing, violence) which is followed by very sad and equally troubling self loathing misery.
The psych came back with the then surprising initial diagnosis of high functioning ASD.

No formal diagnosis for either.

Increasingly my SS is aggressive towards me, and I don't know how to handle it. Turn the other cheek? Ignore it? What does this model to my 2 daughters?
The other night I decided to try drawing a line - and followed him after he'd shoved me over backwards and called me a f$$$head - every shove, hit, kick I shouted back, 'no, this is not ok, it's not ok to swear or hurt people'... I didn't hurt back just was relentless and repetitive with my message. He got more violent, eventually I left him in his room. Later I talked to him about strong feelings being ok, that I have them too and that you just need to learn to say them but not turn them into weapons (insults and hurting people). I told him I care for him and all the great things about him, hoping it would help buffer him from that pit of despair that awaited.
I know it's probably going to keep happening tho.
I dont know how to defuse it without allowing the preceding minor aggression a - accusations, insults, arguing, rudeness, elbowing the other kids in this case) to be allowed to slip by - it feels like passively allowing us all to be bullied.
I just don't know how to handle this kid. His father doesn't know either.
And I feel so sorry for him too.
I feel with my daughter that ASD kids tend to push their parents into an impossible corner where you either have to tolerate (and therefore condone?) pretty awful behaviour, or respond pretty awfully yourself.
I wish I was emotionally equipped to deal with this and wonder if anyone has some advice or methods?

A couple of questions, if you do not mind:

Has your husband said if he has always been like this, or is this something that is more recent? Stress can make these things worse, and between adjusting to a blended family, and the social issues that a child that age is apt to run into, I was wondering if this is a new or possibly worsened set of behaviors or if this is how he has always been.

I would suggest that his dad ask him what is going on. This is not to disparage you, in any way. He is just in most likelihood going to be more comfortable going to be more comfortable with the parent he has known longer. I don't have a 12 year old as yet, but if I remember right they can be prickly when trying to get information out of them. The best thing to start out with is to see if he can/will articulate what is going on in his head.

Edited for syntax

Last edited by ASDMommyASDKid on 22 Sep 2014, 6:47 am, edited 1 time in total.

I would suggest you read the books, The Explosive Child and Lost at School by Ross W Greene. He also has free videos at http://www.livesinthebalance.org/walking-tour-parents. It's not a quick fix, but he does have a good method for figuring out the exact issues that are causing the aggression and other behavior, and for working together with the child to come up with solutions. Basically the idea is to address problems proactively so that things do not escalate to the meltdown/tantrum/aggression stage.

He was already wound up and following him and being relentlessly repetitive was not likely to accomplish your goal of changing his behavior. He was trying to escape, you cornered him, and he attacked.



This is the part you need to dig into. What happened BEFORE he elbowed the other kids? BEFORE the accusations, insults, arguing, etc.? If you can solve the problems that are setting him off, he's much less likely to spiral out of control.

I'll second and third the recommendation of those two Ross Greene books. I originally saw them recommended on WP a few years ago and just recently got/read them both. I'll make another recommendation of the Autism Discussion Page books that were just published - if you're on Facebook you can access all of the material - for free, in the form of short, easy to read posts. The books are worth every penny IMHO, even to a seasoned ASD mom like myself. Valid, honest sympathetic books, discussing the underlying challenges of ASD and giving thoughtful, usable solutions and explanations for some of this difficult stuff, why it might happen and how to better understand and support those challenges.

We're having a similar situation with our younger Asperger guy. He's just about to turn 8. We started seeing an ASD savvy psychologist last October (who is currently away on medical leave) and have learned a lot in the process. Our guy is also Dx's with generalized anxiety disorder. The harder we (and especially I) pushed, the more resistant he became to any and every demand or request. We were having almost daily hitting/biting/scratching episodes and even a few instances of full on OCD (trying to pick up every. single. shell. on the beach.....), complete with name calling, "You're being a b***h!" when I tried to stand my ground and essentially force him to go somewhere or start/stop an activity.

With the help of our psych and some major changes on my part, we've eliminated 99.999% of this behavior and most of that was attained by me backing down and giving him more control over the things that I could - our benchmark was that as long as he wasn't hurting someone, he could chose to be as rigid as he needed to be, with the eventual goal of introducing flexibility back in. I changed the type of language I was using, cooperative instead of demand based. We still have some major resistance, but it is now only related to attending school (too long of a story for here).

Having a blended family probably complicates things in ways that I can't even fathom, but we've got two ASD kids here (almost 14 and almost and the best advice that I can give is to not think of backing down as giving up or letting him win. Sometimes you have to really look at the underlying sensory/social/processing/communication/emotional regulation aspects to see what is really going on, specific to your young guys particular brand of autism. Behavior is communication and for some people, it's their only means to communicate something really important. Even though the behavior isn't appropriate, it might be all he has to work with right now. No quick fix for that one, but working on emotional regulation and self calming behavior and giving him a different behavior that isn't as hurtful to anyone.

Lastly, be kind to yourself. Even though it might not seem like it now, you are emotionally equipped to deal with this. Most of us here (and autism parents everywhere) know exactly how you feel and we've all probably felt the same way. Don't be afraid to reach out when you need someone, either here or in real life.

There's also an e-book written by one of the WP members called Congratulations! Your Child is Strange that can be very helpful for understanding what meltdowns are like for your stepson and daughter. It's a bit harsh on parents at times, but if you can keep in mind that the author's parents were very hard on him, there's a lot of good information in it. You can read it at Congratulations! Your Child is Strange

Thank you!! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !!

You've given me a lot to think about...

If you look at the "Parenting Index" stickied at the top of this board, there is a whole section on violent behavior. Lots of us have been there, and have come out of it successfully.

It is a long and difficult journey, but you can make it, as can the children.