return home to my insanity

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hi people. spent the last almost 2 weeks at my sister's rather secluded place just north of a small town in this province's interlake.
i left all my thoughts behind, and slept and acted like i was starting a new life.
as you can gather, i never go anywhere, even out of my city.
i find the old ghosts are still in this 10x10 basement room, can't go anywhere, must get a figurative kick in the head to do anything about things.
Yes, avoidant behaviour.

Again, i still don't know what to do with myself.
Aspergers, social anxiety disorder, recovering from long term depression (thank GOD), but still in the throes of my mixed-up city-bound emotions.

i'm on Disability. Been so for maybe 10 years now. am "mentally ill" but prefer to call it "emotionally ill" as i consider myself to be a really great guy hampered by the poverty my emotional problems have led me into.

can't even look for a job. it is corny but true that "i am not worthy" although i am recognizing that everyone is expected to make some sort of living and not be a burden but a contributor to society. anthropophobia, agoraphobia... had to be driven door to door to sis' place and back to make the trip. she's a great person, doesn't deserve to have Parkinson's.

joined a church for a social exercise, but it has become the center of my life -- the only social thing i do.
i need 3 valium and 1 xanax to get there every Sabbath, am apparentlly life-or-death afraid to GET there, but am very happy to BE there. it is confusing. this is my greatest challenge, because it goes for not making doctor appointments and the like as well.

thank you for taking in all my problems so far, those of you that could stand it.

Please come up with some suggestion, any idea is a good idea, there are no wrong or dumb ideas. would appreciate any point of view anyone can offer me. i can't see myself from others eyes, but maybe you can. please don't be afraid to "tell it like it is," a wise man takes rebuke.

Best of Health All, edaspie!

I have a suggestion:

For your phobias, perhaps you could read up on "implosion therapy." It might be rather rough--but it seems to be effective.

I'm sorry about your sister's Parkinson's. Would she let you live there permanently, while you take care of her? You would then be a productive member of society, unequivocally.

Thanks kraftiedortie

i will study implosion therapy.
Long ago i offered to move in and caretake sis, like i spent about 8 years caregiving my late mother until her passing.
But as she said, what about my church?
Everyone has a GOD, even if it is only themselves (nothing insulting implied).

Then again, once she is at the point where she cannot look after the meals, i am a bachelor and am good only with K.D.

No, once she can no longer cook for herself and her two 30+ year old sons, she will have to sell and be moved into a care home.
Her sons btw have tourrettes syndrome... they made the medical books as the first identical twins both born with tourettes.
She is having too good a time still being in charge despite her ailments (what a person!) and it keeps her mind and body as active as it can be.
There may come a time when my caregiving can help, but now i would just be another mouth to be fed.
Excellent thinking!

Thanks, edaspie

Keep going to church! That's my advice.

The times when I am isolated with no social outlet are the worst. I drive myself crazy with negative thoughts and neuroses. Having any kind of social outlet or anything to look forward to makes such a huge difference. For me it is 12-Step meetings. I don't hang out with people outside of the meetings but going to the meetings on a regular basis gives me enough of a connection to the outside world not to crash under the weight of my emotional problems.

Thank you, em_tsuj

Going to church is a safe social outlet.
It used to be the one happy social experience in my week.
But over the past 2 years a bully, who i ignored because it is a church, by my aspergers, deeply internalized his bullying into making church my worst social experience.
It takes 3 Valium and then 1 Xanax to get there.

i had social anxiety disorder to start with, but since this guy it has become a weekly panic disorder.

i wish i knew what i could do to make going to this place a positive enough experience in my apsie mind, so my mind would let me attend regularly again.
i used to be a "regular."
Now i make 1 or 2 out of 4 weekly meetings.

Any idea is a good idea, there are no stupid ideas. Any contribution of opinion would be greatly and happily accepted, as anything is progress.

Thank you for reading my post, edaspie

You or your sister could go to the clergy explain to him or her your situation and the problem with the bully. Helping the "afflicted" is one of their main jobs.

If the bully is the clergy or an important donor I would change churches. I know that doing so would be excruciatingly difficult but better for you in the long run.

That is terrible that in what is supposed to be a place of sanctuary there is a bully. What does this person do to you? You don't have to answer that question if you do not want to but 1. There is nothing to be embarrassed about, it is not your fault. 2. Nearly everybody on this forum has been bullied so they might have developed an effective coping strategy. 3. Sometimes it helps to talk about it or write it down.

Thank you for the reply, ASPartOfMe

i will try to keep it short.
When born naturally took spotlight from youngest older sister, which began her verbally traumatizing me from age zero to 27 when she married away.
i know verbal abuse doesn't sound traumatizing but in our isolated home life stuck together hiding from a bad dad (and internalization of abuse comes naturally to aspies) but so it was.
It turned me into a depressive social phobic with no self-worth at all. Never gave myself a tomorrow, but here it is!

Two years after i joined this church Charlie showed up. He always had to be the center of attention and master of whatever group he was in. Everybody suffered him to let him get better, which he has, and now is even helpful to me.
Still as soom as i hear his voice, an icy dread takes hold of my bones.
But in his first 2 years with us his verbal bullying hit home even though i thought i was letting it bounce off me. My attendance began to suffer (i was an established "regular"), and then got so bad i had to be replaced as doorman (which i always did since i was always the first one there - a true aspie).
Lately i found myself cancelling doctor appointments and the like, as well as attending Services less than half the time. A mind thing had snuck up on me and taken over my ability to go anywhere outside close walking distance.

I have written many pages of self-analysis on this insoluble problem, and came to the following conclusion so far: "the torturous panic-ridden try just to go to Services with crippling dread and high anxieties, has only been solved by taking 3 Valium and 1 Xanax (prescribed)."
And the last two weeks i haven't even tried to go, because i can't face the panic again.
The valiums keep me getting ready to go, and the xanax gives me the ability to really get out the door.
But i can take them only once per week, as all my meds prohibit anything but "prn" use, which is doctor talk for "more than i can safely take but must be taken for such and such a special reason."

But as i said, i find myself not even trying to get to what used to be my one positive social experience of the week.
It has become my one biggest trial by panic weekly, with anticipatory anxiety in the days beforehand.
It's agoraphobic, i've had 5 different manifestations of panic attacks out there. But thankfully none in the last few years.

Charlie is a master manipulator of people - except for me! the aspie.
Maybe that's why he's been trying to make me quit coming to Services.
Well he's beginning to win the war.

ANY ideas are good ideas please!

Thank you for your time, edaspie

Sorry about that. Verbal abuse should never be trivialized

So are you saying

1 Charlie was a bully but is not or is less so now?
2. Charlie is still a bully but has conned people into thinking he is not anymore?

Oh Sorry.
My aspie storytelling is clear as mud.

Charlie. The conundrum.
Keep It Simple Silly...
-- he was a verbal bully for his first 2 years with us, during which he got baptized and is really turning into a normal person. He was a very bad biker gang member, to put it short.
-- he has a silver tongue that could have talked Hitler into becoming a Mormon.
-- he has the keenest and sharpest wit i have ever come across, could make a stone statue laugh.
-- he retired just last year
-- he considers his time harassing me as trying to "make me into a man." I am a gentleman and by nature socially clumsy due to then undiagnosed aspiness, guess he took that as weakness.
-- all the reasoning in the world won't tell my brain his remarks have no sting... my aspie brain keeps remembering it all and gave me this agoraphobic condition to which i was vulnerable from my childhood bullying.
-- .he has learned how to tell my aspie insults from true insults, which means if i choose my words carefully we can really go to functions together.
-- at any time i'm ready for a barb to be shot at me, which he's done for 2 years, but to his credit is doing no more, but he's already caused me to have this dread of going out.(i have to blame my reaction to his bullying, not his bullying).

So i guess you could call him my dangerous friend now!

Thank you for your interest, edaspie