Life after abandoning suicide plans

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The more I live the least I understaud why and how should I do that.
In the end of the November I was planning to commit a suicide. This idea failed - it appeared that it's really hard to bypass the instinct of self-preservation even if you sure you are ready. So now I think I should at least try to find out what to do with this life if I can't withdraw it right now.
Here are some facts about me, some can be negative:
- I'm not outgoing at all - socialising is a torture for me but nevertheless I found that I can successfully command others.
- Relations. Even worser than socialising. I have no feelings towards teople, even those who are of my circle of friends for many years. If I'm not satisfied with somebody I can easily throw him off my life despite many years of friendship with no regret. I can't even say I need friends - for me they are just audience, support and follwers in some projects - of course in exchange I have sometimes to support them and to help in solving their problems but mainly it's game in one gate - they are my followers and not vice versa. This can be the point why couldn't find a girlfriend. There is just one man who I respect but for the majority he's really strange and possible has some serious mental disorder. In fact Ifound out that I have more sympathy towards people with mental issues than to common.
- Current office IT job is terrible for me, I never loved it - and all IT jobs I had before. But maybe the problem is not only in IT or in office - not long ago I lanuched a startup in the area of my special interest. Yes, it's much better but only at first glance - it's not a life but just a replacement of life. Maybe due to next issue.
- I believe in nothing and in nobody. Religions, policies, humanity and so on. I don't believe there could be something good in this world so why bother about something around? Such terrible amount of haterd is exposed daily - it's a wonder how humans didn't eliminated themselves centuries ago.
- Money... I never had enough and not sure I ever would. In contemporary world without money you can't afford most of benefits of civilization especially in third-world countries like Russia. I was said not once to start working just for money (now I try to maintain some balance between them, my ideals and my free time - not too successful but at least something) to get more of them and I even tried - but I can't withstand 12/7 (yes, seven days per week - that was hard) rat race then, I feel totally empty and see no reason in giving all my life in exchange of that money. This is the dilemma that I can't solve - to be free and live a tolerable life you need money, but working to get money takes most of your freedom and lifetime. At the same time I clearly realize that I can't live somewhere in woods without books, internet and hot water. Having a job that I like? As for me the job must have some reason, not only to provide money but to make some difference in the world, make it better. Or not? As we can see nobody is ruuning lifes of people and fate of the world better nhan people themselves so it's hard to say if there are any jobs that can really make the world better place for some significant amount of time. Even if we contemplate companies who research vaccine against cancer - it won't change much, people will then die from aids, ebola, new strains of smallpox and typhus, will kill each other in wars, terrorist attacks and so on.
- If I started about country - I hate Russia and it deserves it. Maybe next year I'll go to US for college but that doesn't change othr problems. I've been in United States couple of times - good country, people are a bit better tha in Russia but in general the same as others.
- Freedom. That is my main ideal. I aspire to be independent as much as it's possible. very agreement, every law, every order seems to be harmful limitation for me that should be evaded if it's on my way. I'm even proud of myself when I willfully broke some law. That's bad, I know.
- I can't say I love risk but in fact I often perform risky moves like driving on 100 mph where limit is 40 or integviewing gang members for newspaper article in the abandoned factory somewhere in outskirts. Not sure if I can live without such moments.
- Considering the latter maybe if I had sufficient health I could find myself in careers like military or 911, far from offices, with risk on regular basis, overcoming myself but due to congenital health problems I won't pass medical inpsection. However maybe not - such careers don't give amount of freedom I need.
- I also love travelling but it takes a lot of money even if you take cheap hotels, eat in cheap non-touristic cafes and and plan trip yourself, without touristic companies.
It's hard to state all at once in one post but I think there are all the important points. Together all these facts make me confused - I can't find any place (not also geographically - wider) where I can be comfortable, that is the exact reason why I was thinking about suicide. So what I try to find out - how to live with all this?
Any ideas?

Congratulations on choosing Life over the Waste known as Suicide!

If nothing else, you live in a land which is brimming with a wide variety of beauties (similar to the US). You have the Amazon. You have the Pampas. You have the Panatanal. While humans are making a grand effort to kill off these beauties, the beauties are fighting back against the humans--just so you could still enjoy it! Mother Nature always has beneficient plans for us.

At least you have brains--remember that. If you actively use them for good (for yourself and others), I believe your sadness will stop.

If you killed yourself, I would have missed your contributions. I'm glad you're still here. You have a long life ahead of you.

Andreger: Do you have anything that you enjoy doing? Try doing more of that in that case and just work for survival, don't buy any unnecessary stuff, live minimalistic so you can have more free time. Cultivate interests. Stay away from people if you don't feel like they contribute to your well being.
Observe the changeful nature of all things. You're one of those things and you can change as well. The world doesn't need fixing, a new perspective can help you see that. Be open. Feel life as it is in this moment.
This is stuff that have helped me. You might find it useful, or not. I hope you will.

Thank you.
Hmm, Russia has no Amazon or Pampas but rather Tundra, Taiga and most polluted cities in the world after China.
But I understand you. I've seen plenty of beautiful places from Niagara Falls to Red Sea coral reefs - unless it's good to visit such places I feel nothing more - it can't give any reason for life. Even if you live in the beatifulest place in the world after a year you'll pay no more attention to it's beauty. And I now try to find out how to live, for what purpose to live.



I'll disagree here. I tried to do that for many years, making steps I'm still sure which were right and focused on good. The only result is hatred fron family members and troubles with police. Nothing else changed at all. It was near 2009 and lead me to where I am now.

You ask right question, I thought about it. I can't say I really enjoy something but at my free time I learn history and other social sciences. Strange, huh? With my attitude to society.But it's more interesting than many other things. And I like to know what would happen around tomorrow - really hate surprises. Several times I thought about academic career but this field is now shrinking and require narrow specialization together with social networking - in contrast I'm working with terribly wide range of social topics in my startup (social and political research center, team of 5 members and almost dozen of temporary reserachers and consultants) and try to socialize or just speak with people the least I can.

Travelling is also good but after first 3-4 days bad thoughts are returning regardless of where do you go.

I've seen world from various perspectives, changed my alignment not once - and still the more I think the more realize that it need to be changed.

You say staying away from people - but how? I spend 10 hours daily in the office and right now people around me seriously discuss how to wage war against United States... Idiots, they'd be happy with war. And this is quiet common attitude here.

Sorry, Sir

How can I forget you? We exchanged a few PMs.

Your screen name is very much like someone from Brazil.

I thought you had plans to change your situation next year.

Chinese believes those who have escaped death would have good fortunes later. It kinda make sense. Once a person realize life is worth it, they're likely to take steps to do things they really wanted to do and achieve more. My dad got hit by a car in his late 40s. After he recovered he worked very hard to achieve his goal, to immigrate to North America. He arrived on his 50th birthday and started a brand new life here. It changed the destiny of everyone in the family. It wasn't easy. The first couple years we ate mostly potatoes carrots and eggs, but eventually he got well established and got comfort and security. I have noticed this pattern in many successful people, they all try really really hard to get what they want.

I do think it's a great time to set new goals and achieve new heights. Leave the past behind. Move to a new place, start a new career. Do something you always wanted to try. The moment you changed your outlook, you have changed your luck. Hope your golden time is coming soon.

It's okay.
I'm going to move in US next year and apply in Camden College, that's true. But I don't think it would really help much - while it will solve some important issues, the vast majority of my troubles would still be with me.
What I try to find out is how to find place for myself in the world, in society. I don't fit for most common roles in society - it's not a thing I'm proud of, it's just a fact.
Yes, I have significant issues like I'm bossy loner with little respect to any rules, authorities or laws and with high desire to risk. But I try to do my best and I want to find a way how to live with all these traits within society.
Right now I mostly get either hate or ignore towards myself from those who know me enough. And I'm not surprised. On the other hand I have respect from those who are my subordinates in startup - but here I don't really belive it could change something around (which is important for me - work to make difference, not only for cash), just maybe pay some of bills as evening job.

That's interesting - my dad also moved to US few years after he was 40. Now he's a successful businessman there. We have a bit differen characters - while he's entrepreneur I'm adventurer.

Set new goals? Probably yes, without goals and achievement process life looks really dull.

You know what I dislike about today's world? There is no more place for adventures. 100-200 years ago it was totally differen, most of explorers of the Arctic and Antarctic, of Central Africa had no common experience even expedition leaders like Robert Scott. It was time when people like poet D'Annunzio could proclame independence of whole city and defend it with arms with no consequences, when you could move almost in any country, find their some job and when you're bored move to next one. And now everything is strict. Guys like Garibaldy today would be rather be charged in some tribunal like in Hauge, and you need official paper for every move: want to go abroad - visa, want to find job there - permission from ministry, want to drive a bike - license and so on. It's like living in cage. Of course there are benefits in such system - for those who doesn't care, who need only stability. But that is not the world I'd like to live in. That's sad. But I don't know how to deal with it.

I second that.

I know exactly what you mean by this feeling.
The observable facts around you that lead to this feeling don't really change so much, but the feeling does eventually change. Sometimes it changes on its own, but it's much better if you start working towards changing it.

If you find it easier to relate to, or work with other people who have some types of mental disorders, then maybe that's what you should be doing more of. There is a huge need for people like you in many places of the world, to include the U.S.. You could make an enormous difference in people's lives that may be much worse off than yourself, and have nobody around who can understand them.

I suggest that you focus on moving to US for college.
Maybe you can also work on your startup in the meantime, with the goal of launching something after you move to US.
I may understand what you mean by being an adventurer.
It's like regular life seems dull, and I want something more stimulating.
I was lucky to find an outlet for this adventuring need in science research, which is always new and intellectually stimulating, but often, I also feel desire to go out into world more and have adventures eggsploring, but that costs a lot of time and money that I don't have.

There's no need on focusing - I'm just waiting for April to apply and get student visa after that. But I don't think I'll be able to officially launch something in US - too high demands for foreign entrepreneurs. Damn bureaucrats.

Yes, you got it. Once I was even considering to go to fight for Ukraine's freedom in the ongoing war on its east but I dropped this idea quickly for realizing that with my health problems I can be only gun meat But I wish I could find some way for more adventurous life though. College is good idea now but it won't solve major problems led to depression and suicide ideas.

I'd recommend putting your effort into finding things that can alleviate symptoms.
Want to know a myth? - saying that the core symptoms of AS itself are untreatable. COMPLETELY FALSE.
A variety of things have been shown in scientific studies to help with these.
Search on google and good luck.

Suicide is abandoning your self, and it sounds like it is your life conditions, which have led up to the present time, lifestyle and country that you want to abandon, not yourself. Obviously you are a very thoughtful person, and very intelligent with marketable talents. So there must be a way through to the kind of future that would suit you much better. "If a thing isn't absolutely impossible, then there must be a way of doing it". (Nicholas Winton).

You have to decide how you are going to get started on this, taking it through one thing at a time. I am glad you are here to share with us on Wrong Planet as the journey continues. Good for you. Keep us updated on your progress. All the best for a truly new year in 2015.

Hi! You too have good upcoming year!

However even if I have any marketable talents (not sure if I do - just "better than average" analyst and writer with lots of knowledge of world history) they are offset by unmarketable traits like disliking commerce, aspiring to freedom, a bit of antisociality and so on. Sitting hours in front of PC in cubicle or openspace doing stupid and useless for the world orders from boss? That's what I do now as IT specialist in retail corporation but that's miserable.