Parental rejection? (Long Post)

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danothan24
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22 Oct 2014, 9:05 pm

Forgive me if this isn't actually the right place to post this, but it seemed like the closest match for this particular issue.

About me, I'm a 22-year old Aspie. I was diagnosed just a little less than a year ago. I'm about as high functioning as you can be and still be considered on the spectrum; I had no verbal delays, eye contact isn't that hard for me, and I generally have a pretty good sense if someone is happy or upset. However, I've always had issues connecting with people, taking things literally, and have had serious sensory issues forever; for a few years I couldn't do music class because the high pitched sound of the other kids signing would give me a splitting headache and make me go into an absolute fit. I could go on, but I think this paints the picture.

Over the years I got better, but I've always had a very hard time connecting with other people my age and I still have serious issues with loud noises in small spaces. I was able to get through high school and 2 years of community college. I passed my classes fine, but I got more depressed and apathetic with each passing year. Everything reached a head when I went to "real" college and was surrounded by kids 24/7. After a few months I had a complete emotional breakdown, which led to me moving back home and going into intensive therapy. After a few months, they gave me an autism spectrum test, which confirmed it.

This explained most of my childhood struggles, but it inadvertently opened up a can of worms. I have several teachers in my family, a few of whom are special ed, and it turns out that they had been telling my parents that I had Aspergers since I was 3. They didn't want to believe it, but apparently took me to one specialist who said I would "probably be fine". After this they refused to ever discuss the issue again. My father is no longer part of my life, but after my recent diagnosis my mother has been in denial. Initially she didn't believe it, and then took the attitude that it's something I can simply grow out of. Now she seems to be back to just dismissing it as severe depression, and nothing more.

Has anyone had to deal with a parent like this? Have any NT parents had difficulties accepting their children's difficulties, especially if they were diagnosed later in life? My relationship with her was already strained for various reasons, and this feels like it might soon become the breaking point between us. How can I ever hope for anyone else to accept me if the woman who brought me into this world can't? Why is she seemingly hell-bent on ignoring the truth? I don't understand.


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Waterfalls
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22 Oct 2014, 9:45 pm

I definitely can relate some, never talked to my mother about me, but although she didn't reject the Asperger's label for my daughter, she originally rejected the idea that anything different should be done.

Is there any possibility when you think about your mom, could she be on the spectrum herself?



danothan24
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22 Oct 2014, 10:03 pm

I doubt it. I've thought about it, and she's definitely an introvert, but she has no issues with reading faces, sensory issues, etc. I have no doubt that my father is on the spectrum, and probably has other (more psychological) issues as well.


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pddtwinmom
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22 Oct 2014, 10:55 pm

I'm sorry that you're going through that. Often, a parent's denial is more about them than is about you. To admit that there is something that you're struggling with may feel tantamount to admitting that they failed you by not seeking help earlier. It may also make them feel like your struggles are their fault because of genetics, what they did while they were pregnant, etc. So, they can't accept it, otherwise the guilt would consume them. Many of these thoughts are irrational; some are not, but all of them are painful to parents.

I would proceed with getting the support you need from school, outside experts, etc. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders, and that you are smart and have strong social skills. I would use everything at my disposal to maximize my strengths and shore up my weaknesses independent of your mom. At some point, she may come around, but your progress doesn't have to wait for that. And she doesn't love you any less, either! Her issues are her own.



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22 Oct 2014, 11:29 pm

^^^^ exactly

Painful as it is for you, the issue is your mother's and it is on her to resolve it. You can't force it; she will either someday work through her issues or she won't.

I am glad that you finally have an answer and are getting help. Keep moving forward.

I always had a difficult relationship with my own father, and at one point I decided to focus our relationship on the things we did well together, and simply avoid the areas where we didn't click. That was a really positive change for me, and it let us find our own version of closeness. There is a lot that was never and never will be said; sometimes that is just how things need to be. Sharing genes or even spending decades together does not guarantee two people will understand each other. So, you let go of the assumption that it is supposed to be a certain way and live with the reality you have, making the most of it. I am sorry that you have that divide with your mother, though; of course it isn't what anyone wants.


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elkclan
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23 Oct 2014, 2:49 am

I'm not on the spectrum, but I do have a parent who wrongly diagnoses me. No matter what is wrong with me - it's depression. I had some kind of mystery illness (infection) when I was 18: Depression. Flu I caught in Vegas: Depression. Post-operative infection including massive drainage from the wound: depression. Genuine clinical depression - sometimes it's depression, sometimes she just ignores it.

She is not able to provide support for me - either physically when I needed it - or mentally.

Sometimes we just don't get the parents we wish we had or the parents we actually need.

She may have had way too much to deal with having a partner on the spectrum with other issues who clearly couldn't cut it as a father to deal with you in the way that she should have. Try to cut her a little slack in that she's the one who stuck around. And try..if you can... to just accept that she may not be capable of doing this aspect of parenting in the way that she should. I know it's very hard, because even today at 40+ I get disappointed at my mother's behaviour and her inability to provide me with emotional support while trying to get free of an abusive marriage.

You'll never guess what she puts my marriage problems down to....

Others suggestions that you start building support networks elsewhere are correct. It's a second best solution, but it may be the only one available to you.



kcizzle
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23 Oct 2014, 4:12 am

Agree with all the above, quite often as a parent you have your own issues that impact all your relationships. It's pretty rare that people react in ideal fashion, most just plod along as best they can. She may not see any benefit to reevaluating your relationship post diagnosis as you're still just the you she has always known.



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23 Oct 2014, 4:18 am

danothan24 wrote:
How can I ever hope for anyone else to accept me if the woman who brought me into this world can't? Why is she seemingly hell-bent on ignoring the truth? I don't understand.


You have to learn to accept and embrace yourself and somehow get over the need for her acceptance. Easy talking for me as I have attachment issues and no real bond with my mother.
I never had either but she's my mother right? She gave birth to me. My partner pointed out to me years ago that I was always this little girl that wanted acceptance from her mother, I was 38 at the time. And he was right. Did some serious soul searching after that and managed to find my own way. It came to a head when DD was 4 and there was once last nasty argument regarding something she had said to DD and the way she said it. I told her never to interfere with DD's upbringing again as I was not exactly a good outcome considering what she had expected me to achieve. She went on one and I told her she might get to heaven but it was to be seen wether St. Peter would open them pearly gates for her. Very much under the belt as she is a staunch roman catholic but she had deserved that.
Funnily enough since then she has backed off and leaves me in my own values at least to my face. But I know I am the talk of the coffee table when she gets together with the other OAP's at the community centre she spends nearly every afternoon :lol:

If you can accept yourself then she might come round. She might not though, no point in even getting your hopes up. This is about you, your dreams, your hopes and your needs.
Take care x :(



ASDMommyASDKid
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23 Oct 2014, 4:21 am

It is really easy to be in denial. If a person is in any way on the spectrum, or even an aspie-ish NT, an aspie child (especially a super high-functioning one) does not appear so different.

Labels are scary. Autism is made out to be so scary; so it is natural to not want to see it, for both AS and NT parents. It is not logical, but sometimes people think by avoiding the "A" word, somehow the kid will end up OK. as though it is the label that causes the problems, not the underlying issues the person might have functioning.

In addition, people do not like to be proven wrong. You mother may be rigid in the face of evidence of being wrong, embarrassed by being proven wrong, and feeling guilty for not getting you help and understanding when you were younger.

My mom is NT (but has other issues like anxiety and OCD) and she is a very stubborn person and very hard to deal with when she has set her mind on a particular issue. This is not an uncommon personality trait.

Sometimes you have to lower your expectations of people. Some people are not capable of being who you want them to be, or have one or two blind spots, that cannot be overcome. You just have to deal with it, sometimes and move on.



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23 Oct 2014, 6:03 am

The reason I asked if you thought your mom might be on the spectrum is that idea has given me some peace in terms of seeing maybe that my mother did her best, and her best had limits. But if not that, perhaps other things in your mother's life prevented her treating you as the full person you are.

But I would not generalize this. It's a blow but does not mean no one can ever love you. Accepting what your mom is doing as real rather than looking to understand and fix it will give you the energy to move on, after a period of grief. And perhaps you will be able to maintain a positive relationship with her eventually. Certainly it's hard if you can't.

Either way, you absolutely deserve to be happy.



setai
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23 Oct 2014, 11:18 am

danothan24 wrote:
How can I ever hope for anyone else to accept me if the woman who brought me into this world can't? Why is she seemingly hell-bent on ignoring the truth? I don't understand.


First I want to say I am so incredibly sorry for what you are going through. It is a shame your mother is not being supportive and loving. It is what you deserve.

I do want to say, as a mother myself, just because you are a mother does not make you wise, a saint or even a good person. A few people are blessed with amazing mothers and more are blessed with good mothers, but there are more mediocre to varying degrees of bad mothers out there than there are wonderful ones. I think the father ratio is even worse. Just because your mother can not accept you doesn't mean there aren't many people who can. I have seen multiple instances where parents can't accept their own child but have no problems accepting the same thing in others, much to the childs grief and confusion.

The majority of parents, even good parents, forget that their children are not them. Sometimes this isn't a conscious idea. The phase "brought me into this world" in many ways echos this ownership idea. Society feeds it. If the parent is kind and forgiving to themselves, then often it isn't an issue until the child gets older and wants to be their own being. If a parent thinks of you as an extension of them when they perceive that something is "wrong" with their child that means that something is wrong with them. For a mother it is worse, esp for older generations being a bad mother is being a failure.

On a kinder note, it might just be a shock and she needs longer to process. Either way don't let her issues ever make you feel that you can't and won't find love and acceptance. I live in the bay area and many companies are filled with successful, married, happy people on the spectrum.

I would also assume that there is some major guilt there as well. She ignored her families concerns and let you struggle because she was in denial.